


Snowflakes and Cigarettes

by cherrypiecas



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Additional Warnings Apply, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst and Feels, Anxiety Disorder, Big Bang Challenge, Bottom Dean, Cocaine, Consensual Sex, Dean/Cas Big Bang Challenge 2015, Depression, Drug Addict Castiel, Drug Addiction, F/M, Gangs, Heavy Angst, M/M, Murder Mystery, Past Child Abuse, Sad Ending, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Smoking, Top Castiel, Violence, trans!Dean
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-30
Updated: 2015-11-01
Packaged: 2018-04-28 23:10:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 46,103
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5109029
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cherrypiecas/pseuds/cherrypiecas
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean Winchester, a crippling anxiety-ridden, transgender male who was kicked out of his own home for coming out and disowned by his whole family, finds himself with nothing but a full ride scholarship to Ash Forest University, only enough money on his metro card to get there, and less than six bucks to his name. At Ash Forest, he meets faithful roommate, Charlie Bradbury, and her best friend, the mysterious Castiel, and Dean can't help but wonder and slowly fall for him. But sometimes, people aren't as they seem at all and Dean finds himself stuck in a spiraling downfall, caught between two sides and struggling to find answers and his voice.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. one

“Thanks,” My hands shook as I clutched the directions papers in my small, sweaty hands. I handed the slightly crumpled dollar bills to the taxi driver. 

I pulled open the trunk, grabbing my small black suitcase packed so full that it bulged slightly. I placed it on the sidewalk that seemed to have a million cracks. I stood in front of the Metro station. People flooded around me, leaving their cars for work parked in the parking lot. Holding the metro card in my palm, I shivered out of fear, dragging my suitcase along behind me. The squeak of its wheels annoyed me slightly as I entered through the self-opening doors. People surrounded me on all sides, the station bustling with people of all sorts and kinds. Some were dressed up with black business suits tailored for them, white shirts freshly pressed and nice black ties with black slacks with dress shoes. Others had ripped jeans with sweaters that had holes in the sleeves and their hair unkempt and raggedy. I blinked groggily, tired from sleeping on the street that night, having fell asleep leaning against the wall in an abandoned parking lot. I slung my backpack slightly over my shoulder, the strap rubbing slightly on one of the lashes on my back. I flinched uncomfortably, continuing to walk with my head down. 

I held out my Metro card as I approached the scanner, swiping it across quickly and walking through the way. I looked at the big screen, seeing my train highlighted to leave in ten minutes. I wandered down the pathway, jogging slightly to the escalator. I took to the left side, picking up my luggage and carrying it in my arms as I practically ran down the moving steps. People that were in front of me moved slowly, making me anxiously run my hands through my wispy hair. They reached the bottom of the escalator, making me place my suitcase back on the floor, extending the grip bar. I rolled it behind myself, walking to the entering area. I had about three more minutes until the train came. I unfolded the directions, checking them for about the fourteenth time I had that day. It was all just to make sure, just to be completely certain that I wasn’t boarding the wrong train. I folded the papers again, shoving them back into my pocket and folding my arms with my Metro card still in my palm. 

The train lights lit up the tunnel, the distant roaring filling the station. The brakes squeaked as the wind blew me in the face. I stood behind the blinking lights until the train doors opened. Standing to the side of the door, a few people stepped out before they began to board. I stepped in last. No seats were left over by now. Holding the pole, I pulled my suitcase next to me. I bit my lip hard, the relieving taste of blood seeping into my mouth, tasting metallic and bitter.

“Step back, doors closing,” a robotic voice said as the doors began to shut. 

The doors closed and the train roared to life. I closed my eyes as I heard some chatter but mostly silence filling the air. I felt my hand reach into my pocket, picking up my old MP3 player. My headphones were wrapped around it carefully. Feeling my breath catch in my throat, the binder pressed on my chest, my lungs holding my breath. Unraveling the cord, I pressed each ear bud in my ears, pressing play and the band Metallica playing. The train lurched forwards, sending me stumbling a little bit. 

My stomach felt like it was burning and I couldn’t remember the last meal I managed to keep down. Sighing, I screwed the cap off my water bottle, taking a sip of water. I felt the exhaustion set in, weighing down my eyes. Closing them, I savored my music, all of the notes blending together. I shoved my left hand into my pocket, using the right one to grip the pole tight. Feeling the train stop, my hand clutched the pole again. Opening my eyes, I noticed a bunch of people had jumped up to leave. As the doors opened, I searched for a place to sit. A seat near the door was left open. I sat down gratefully, taking no notice to the man next to me. Crossing my arms, I closed my eyes again as I used my legs to hold my suitcase, placing my backpack on my lap, wincing as it rubbed against the lash near my shoulder. Thankfully, my binder didn’t press on it. The train seemed to go on forever, an endless cycle of starts and stops as I stared into space without any thought.

“The next stop is Chicago Union Station.” The robotic voice chirped as he clutched my backpack tightly. 

Gripping my suitcase, I slung my backpack back over my shoulder. The train moved down the track as I waited expectantly. Blinking a few times, the train began to stop again. I hopped up, standing in front of the door as it began to open slowly. I walked out on to the platform, the different scents, sounds, and even air pressure hitting me. I definitely was not in Lawrence, Kansas anymore. Lawrence was my birthplace, my hometown, where I’d lived my entire life. This was Chicago. I couldn’t describe what was different but I knew something was off, quite different, making it unique from Lawrence.

I walked across the platform, looking up at the signs, paying vague attention to the people. Even the people of Chicago were different, just the way they walked, the way they talked. I shook my head, staring back up at the signs as my suitcase squeaked, rolling behind me. I walked across the platform. Seeing the sign for my train, I sat down on the bench, exhausted from the previous metro ride. I knew I had two more rides to go through, and the very though made me feel mentally drained. Sitting down on the bench, I rubbed right underneath my eyes, resting my face in my hands for a minute. I heard the familiar sound of the train grinding on the tracks to a stop, jolting up and opening my eyes wide. 

A lithe girl rushed in front of me as I slowly got up. She had honey colored hair with soft beach waves and a scent of sea salt that seemed to cling to her like burrs. Pushing a lock of hair behind her hair, she stared back at me, narrowing her eyes for a second. A smile creasing on her lips, her mouth curved at the corner. 

“Hey,” she twisted the strand of hair around her fingers, a faint sadness in her voice, “Where are you headed to?” 

She looked at me with warm brown eyes surrounded with smoky black makeup outlining the features of her eyes. I found myself staring at the creature, her warm brown eyes a reminder of my brother’s before the accident, or maybe I should say the incident because it sure as hell was not an accident of any kind. The lashes that burned with every step, every bit of pressure made me ache, carved into my back were part of no accident. I swallowed hard, my throat seeming to swell shut. 

“I’m going to Ash Forest College in Rye, New York,” I stared at my feet, adjusting my hat. Shuffling my feet, I scratched my neck. 

“I’m going to New York too. I’m from Florida. I flew up here to visit my family in Chicago, after that I’m headed to New York City,” she flashed a soft smile as she extended her hand to mine, “My name’s Jo Harvelle. What’s yours?” 

My lips curled up into a smile at the side as I looked at her from the side, my birth name coming first to my lips as I dismissed it with my real name.

“Dean,” I said, “My name is Dean Winchester.”

“Well hello, Dean, best travels to the Big Apple to you.” Jo tucked a lock of golden hair behind her ear as she strolled down the side of the pathway as the train pulled in.

The shrieking wail of the train stopping on the rails spooked me slightly, making me shift my feet before I went to meet the train. Many people got off as I got on, but many surrounded me, swarming in front of me for the possibility for a seat on the ride to wherever they were off to. Jo was on the next car over, and I couldn’t help but feel envious of her for choosing that car because it was much less crowded. Most people on here were for work, wearing freshly pressed suits and ties with slacks and polished shoes or other similarly fancy clothes. Holding the pole, I steadied myself, unfolding the directions to read as I rubbed my eye. I would have to stay on the train until the last stop again before getting on the next train in Washington to New York City itself. Folding the piece of ragged paper back up, I placed it back into my pants pocket. Folding my arms, I leaned again the pole as the train roared down the path. 

I hummed along softly to the Metallica playing from my headphones. Biting my lip, I stared, beginning to lose myself in thoughts. Looking at my feet, I could feel the people staring at me from their seats, inspecting me as if I were some kind of freak. I checked my collarbone, making sure my binder straps weren’t showing. It was the end of August and I wore only a t-shirt and shorts. Pulling my suitcase closer to myself, I tried to take up the least amount of space possible, wanting to disappear from human sight. Sighing, I looked at a kid pointing at me with a confused look on her face. She whispered something to her mother, her mother responding in a hushed tone with a look of disgust crossing her face. I shuffled my feet uncomfortably, wanting to hide from my own body. People did this quite often, trying to decide whether I was a boy or a girl due to my thin completion, lack of a more masculine looking face, shortness, lack of body hair, and my skinny arms and legs.  
Feeling the hunger burn in my stomach once again, I pulled the half-eaten granola bar I’d had in my pocket out, taking a bite. I took a bite, feeling it begin to crumble in my mouth. Chewing slowly, I savored the taste, not knowing when I would be able to eat again due to my lack of money. Clutching the bar, I swallowed hard, licking my lips as I took another bite. I longed for Sam, who seemed to always know what to do. It was the time I needed Sam the most, but I knew that Sam didn’t love me anymore. All of the worst things in life seemed to come free to me. 

I finished the rest of my granola bar as the train car rolled to a stop. As a few people got up, I took a seat. Not many people got on at the stop, so I stayed sitting. Shoving my suitcase under my feet, I folded my arms again, staring at my lap. The scars on my arms were so noticeable and I felt self-conscious, wishing the marks on my wrist would just go away, but they were persistent and refused to fade. It was the daily reminder of how much I had endured in the past few months. Maybe that was a little melodramatic, but being disowned, beaten, and kicked out of your own home was quite a bit of action I hadn’t bargained for.  
The train roared on, rumbling down the tracks as people talked quietly and I felt himself getting antsy and anxious, ready to turn around a corner and be figured out, hearing the word hissed as if it was some kind of a disease, a disgusting filth of the universe. I had cut off all my hair and wore only men’s clothes but it seemed like I could never escape who I was before. Deanna. 

Biting my lip, I tried to stop from trembling and freaking out the kind lady that sat next to me, so I zipped open my suitcase, grasping the hard, large black laptop out and zipping it back up. Write all of it down, I thought, write it down and escape reality for a few minutes before the harshness of it all becomes seeping back in, the distorted fantasy worlds you create but never finish. 

I opened the laptop, the lock clicking as it held the screen up. My initials were written on it in this gold paint sharpie marker and my fingers pressed on the worn down keys, mostly from typing. Pressing the on button, the laptop whirred, beginning to start up. I logged in and my latest story popped up, featuring a 15 year old boy who hadn’t realized he’d murdered someone in his sleep. I tried to put my mindset back to when I’d began writing it a few days ago, but I couldn’t snap myself back into the story. It was one of the many stories that would soon be assigned to the gallery of shameful writing projects never to be completed. Shaking my head slightly, I closed the document, saving it to the file of so many other unfinished writing projects I had begun and never finished. Then again, does anything really ever end in this world? I opened a new file, staring at the cursor blinking on the blank page for a few seconds before typing in the title of the story, Stardust. I began typing on the page, the narrative seeming to be quite a bit lazy and cliché but legitimately enough.

We, as humans, all come from stardust. It’s magnificent, and quite a beautiful thing. The worst part however, is that we end in stardust as well.

It sounded kind of lame in my opinion but I looked up thoughtfully, staring around the car at the people surrounding me, most looked generally uninterested, their blank faces just simply staring at something, others looked sad or concerned, a frown running deep into their face, some looked angry or envious, their lips curled into a scowl, and some just looked plain happy, a smile creasing across their face. I chewed on my fingernail, a habit I’d gotten from being a generally anxious person altogether. My personality was just anxious. Anxiety had pretty much become me as a person. It actually defined me now. Deanna Winchester, the anxious. Wait, actually, Dean the anxious. I still often mis-gendered Realizing what I was doing, I placed my fingers back on the keyboard and kept writing, trying to relax in a train car full of strangers that I was sure were silently judging at me and staring at me. Stops passed as I stared blankly at the screen, typing a sentence in as it came to mind. The battery for my laptop eventually ran out, forcing me to panic, staring at people who had recently boarded. Taking a deep breath, I placed the laptop softly back into my suitcase. Zipping it up, I stared blankly, folding my arms as I watched.

It seemed like forever when the train car finally rolled to my stop. I got up, stretching my legs and yawned. Walking out on to the platform, I realized that Washington Union Station was my final stop. It smelled different here, just as it had in Chicago. People still bustled around the same, but they had their unique scent, voices and even air pressure. Pushing a stand of my caramel brown hair away from my face, I bit my lip again, the feeling being bizarrely addictive. Pulling my suitcase behind me, I felt the anxious thoughts creep up on me as people surrounded me, pushing and whispering “sorry” quietly. I was always so afraid of people and what they thought and I wished I could just be like a normal person, but I didn’t even know how that would feel like, not being anxious all the time. Coughing, I looked up at the signs, looking for my train. Jogging down the path, I noticed that my train was only minutes away. Following the sign, I power walked to the stop. A single phone booth stood next to the stop. Letting my hand brush over the directions, I felt the coins in my pocket. 

Sam, I thought, I need to call Sammy.

A sour taste washed over my tongue as I glanced up at the bright light up board with my train labeled 10. Rolling the coins into my fingers, I swallowed hard, remembering the insensitive last words my brother ever spoke to me.

“Get out of here you disgusting tranny freak. You are a girl; all you’ll ever be is a girl.” 

I had been horrified by the words, shocked out of my skin, feeling the tears burning in my eyes as my brother turned away and never looked back at me, practically just slamming the door in my face without any second thoughts. 

I rolled the coins into the machine, dialing Sam’s number into the phone. Pressing the receiver to my ear, I let out a deep breath I didn’t know was caught in my chest and felt myself quiver with the fear of being rejected by my own brother once again. Pressing the dial button, I listened to the ringing sound before I heard someone pick up the phone and say a gruff “hello”. It was definitely Sam.

“Sammy,” I breathed, “Sammy, it’s me.”

“Deanna?” Sam’s voice was sharp, “N-no.”

Afraid to correct my brother, I continued talking, “Sammy, I just wanted to say that I still love you, even after you said that.”

“You’re a girl, Deanna. It’s disgusting, you freak. You’re not a boy. You never will be.” Sam spit into the phone, making me cringe.

“Bye, Sammy. I’m at Washington Union Station. Hopefully I can fade from your life faster than you’ll fade from mine.” I felt the tears prickle at my eyes as I hung up the phone. Blinking a few times, they went away as he tried to pull myself together. 

I left the phone booth, walking back out on to the platform, sitting down on the bench with stiff legs. The train roared up a few minutes later as I sighed with relief. I walked into the metro car, sitting down as I held my luggage between my legs and turned off my music, throwing the old mp3 player in my bag along with my other assorted necessities such as a couple water bottles, a few granola bars and apples, and Looking for Alaska by John Green, my favorite book.  
The time seemed to run on endlessly, the minutes ticking by like hours as I waited for my stop. Slowly but surely, the metro stopped for the final time and I had finally arrived in New York City, the Big Apple, one of the largest cities. The metro car screeched to a stop and as I stood up, I felt almost different somehow. 

New York City was my only hope of finding a new home, building a new life, but somehow I felt like I wasn’t up to it and constructing a new life scared me to the very core.


	2. two

I pressed my metro card against the scanner, walking through the access doors. Slinging my backpack over my second shoulder, I felt it chafe the lashes in my back, the sheer second of bitter pain when I left it slung over my left shoulder. My left side had gotten most of the lashes from the belt. Swallowing hard, I gritted my teeth and continued walking up the elevator, standing off to the right side. I looked over the side at all of the people, looking smaller from the height. I looked back at the stairs, clutching my suitcase in my hands as I reached the top. Placing it back on to the floor, I rolled it behind me as I walked up the stairs and out into the big city. Car horns honked, people talked, phones rang, and things all off sorts were out, giving their noise to the pandemonium as new worries began to make their way into my head. I walked down the sidewalk, looking in the windows of stores as people. It was about mid-evening, five o’clock maybe, and he had nowhere to go. I couldn’t go to Ash Forest yet, move in day was tomorrow, and even then, it was still freaky. 

I needed a job as well, having probably less money than six bucks to my name. Sighing, I continued walking, turning corners and looking into restaurants, wishing I could afford to eat there. Pulling another granola bar out of his backpack, I chewed slowly, trying to make the most of all of the granola bars I’d stuffed in my backpack. People looked down as they walked past, too consumed in whatever they were doing or thinking about to even notice other people. I finally gave up, placing my suitcase down on a park bench, lying down across it. I pulled a blanket out of my suitcase, yanking it over myself. People walked past, most paying no attention, others giving somewhat of glance as they went on. One man even handed me a dollar bill. Most people began to walk by with food, others walking into restaurants. I shivered as the temperature began to drop. The city streets began to become crowded with dinner traffic. It was nothing like I’d ever seen before.   
New York was like a whole new world. I’d never traveled, especially after my mom died. My dad just seemed to waste away, becoming so angry at the world, so angry for everything that had happened. My dad mostly took it out on me, beating me and yelling things at me, forcing me to be the caretaker for my brother, which in the long run ended up with Sam and I forming a bond that seemed to be unbreakable but crumbled like pastries when I had come out. 

I looked out with weary eyes, fading in and out of reality. The night seemed to fall so fast and I wanted the world to just stop, letting me fix everything. Time just kept on blowing, ticking by so fast I could hardly grasp what was reality and what was a dream anymore. I gritted my teeth as the hours seemed to tick on by, less people filling the streets and the stranger people coming out to play. A bar played music a few blocks down. The idea filled my mind, horrendous to me, awful, wishing it hadn’t come to my mind, but it was persistent and seemed like the only thing I could do to stay alive on these streets.

I had to sleep with another guy for money or something. 

It wouldn’t be love, nothing like anything I’d done before. I hadn’t even lost my virginity yet, and I’d only ever blown one person before, only in high school. I bit my lip, feeling the hatred for myself burning in my chest as I knew that was the only thing I could do to pay for food. Staring up at the clock, I saw the time, 10 pm. It was pretty early into the night already. I was only 18, too young to get into a bar, unless I cheated somehow. I knew the bar downtown was a gay bar and that some guy must be desperate. Shoving my belongings together, I crept around the nearest alleyway, trembling with the fear as I hid my belongings under the trash disposal bin. Digging through my stuff, I changed into more attractive clothes; a nicer shirt with a tie and khakis. Running my hand through my hair, I felt the tears prickle at my eyes, wiping them away, staring into the glass of a broken mirror before walking down the street.

When I finally reached the bar, I waited behind the corner for someone to stumble out. Surely enough, a man probably in his mid twenties or so, older than me, stumbled out on to the sidewalk. 

“H-hey,” I stuttered, trying to sound sexy as he stepped closer to the man, stroking my hand down the man’s shoulder, “I’m giving out a few packages, if you know what I mean.” Biting my lip, I winked.

“How much for a blowjob, pretty boy?” the man asked.

On the inside, I quivered. It froze me to the very core that I had to blow someone just to supply myself with food and water. It was only a few days ago when my brother still loved me and my dad still let me stay. But all of that seemed to be dead and gone, and I felt like I couldn’t make it without Sammy, but here I was, surviving. 

“How about you do whatever you want to me for 50 bucks?” I pushed back hairs from my face, purring my answer. 

“I don’t know,” the man said, “How long do I get?” 

“Thirty to forty five minutes,” I traced my fingers down to the man’s belt buckle as he pulled away slowly, glancing over at the alleyway. 

The man followed me willingly, clutching the dollar bills in his fist, handing it to me. I accepted willingly, shoving it in my back pocket as they became safe in the alleyway. As I got over there, the man gripped me by the collar.

“Little bitch,” he growled in my ear as he undid his belt buckle.

I despised every second. It was disgusting. I felt dirty, impure, and filthy. I felt the fear bubbling up in his chest, the feeling that made me want to run far away, but kept me stiff and wobbly. It was after the man left when I finally truly grasped what I’d just done. 

I leaned back against the wall, my fingers laced in my hair as I shuddered. I forced my hands through my hair, the tears burning in my eyes as squeezed them shut. Sliding down the wall, I clenched my fists. The panic rose started in my chest, bubbling and fizzling as it reached my throat and into my face where it made the tears sting in my eyes. My breaths were sharp, inhaling, and barely able to force any breath out of my lungs. 

“It’s okay,” I tried to force the thought into my mind to stop having a panic attack, but everything kept coming back, just kept swarming back into my brain, the anxieties, the sadness, and just the reality of how alone I was. 

Whenever I saw myself, I always saw myself with my brother and now the harsh reality that I would never see my brother again began to set in along with the horror at myself to go such dark places just to get enough money for food. 

“It’s okay,” I repeated the line over and over again as if I were some kind of broken or stuck record.

The harsh reality was that I didn’t have a home anymore, and I didn’t have a family either. I wished that it was all a dream and that I would wake up with Sam’s hand curled around my shoulder with a smile on his face saying something along the lines of, “what’s with the nightmares, Deanna?” I felt like I didn’t even know Sam in the first place and I was already forgetting him. I was forgetting what Sam’s smile looked like, how he laughed, and I felt as if Sam had died. I forced my breathing to be shallower, taking deep breaths. All of it felt wrong, foreign, but then again, was anything ever truly the right thing to do?

I took shaky breaths, sighing and trembling all at once. It wasn’t over yet. It wasn’t the end yet. I dug my suitcase and backpack out from under the dumpster. Surprisingly, they didn’t smell as bad as I assumed they would after being left under a trash disposal. Carrying them back to the park bench, I curled up with my blanket again, exhausted and light headed after my panic attack. Closing my eyes, unlike many nights of staying awake for hours and hours until dawn broke and keeping my eyes open felt like acid, I faded away to sleep, my thoughts surrounding and the memories of everything coming crashing down until everything was just darkness. 

It was early when I woke again, only about 5 am. I yawned and stretched, my whole body aching from sleeping on such an awful surface. Scratching at my scalp, I yawned again. People walked by in much less dense groups, and there were fewer groups. Most of them didn’t even bat an eye at me, moving on like they didn’t have a care in the world. I felt like crying again, but I did most times now. Reaching down in my pocket, I felt around for the money I’d gotten last night. I pulled out the two crumpled twenties and one crumpled ten. I knew it wouldn’t be enough to sustain me for long in the city, but I was going to Ash Forest soon enough anyways. Tomorrow was the move-in day for freshmen. 

I curled up in my blanket a second before standing up and folding it back up. Tucking it in my suitcase, I zipped it up and slung my backpack over my left shoulder. The lashes on my back ached slightly, but this was nothing out of the ordinary. I’d only received them a few days ago. Clutching my suitcase, I rolled it down the sidewalk behind me, clutching the directions in my pocket. It was only then when I realized that there was no way I could just walk there and the fifty dollar I’d made was only to pay for a cab. The cars drove freely down the road, not much of traffic yet. The fatigue washed over me, making my steps stumble a little. I grinded my teeth, staring out into the road and out of the corner of my eye I saw a yellow vehicle. The light on top of it was on, just as I had hoped. Putting my foot out into the street, I raised my hand at the cab driver. He saw me, nodding. I bit my tongue as he pulled up next to the sidewalk. I gripped the door handle with white knuckles, entering the cab. Sitting down in the backseat, I stared at the face of the driver in the rear view mirror. He had tanned skin and a face with wrinkles that creased deep into his face. Pulling my suitcase in, I placed it on the seat next to me, holding my backpack on my lap. 

“Where to?” he asked with a thick Mexican accent.

“Ash Forest College, please,” I answer. 

“That will be twenty dollars,” he said, holding his hand back for the money. I placed the wrinkled bill into his palm, and he took it gratefully, “Thank you.”

“How long is the drive?” I asked, persistent.

“Sit back,” he replied, “This is going to be a long drive. It will be about ninety minutes, probably.”

“Can you wake me up when we get there?” I requested.

“Sure, kiddo.” He says plainly.

I lay back into the comfy seat, my eyes fluttering shut from the fatigue. The restless, awful sleep from the day before made me want to sleep for years. Wrapping my arms around my backpack, I felt myself drifting into space, overcoming my thoughts as I began to fall asleep. The outside sounds suddenly became silent as I slipped comfortably into the darkness. 

“Wake up, kiddo.” The taxi drivers’ voice startled me awake, “we’re here.” 

I woke with a cold sweat on my forehead. I couldn’t remember what I was dreaming about but it must’ve been pretty terrifying. I thanked him and slung my backpack over my shoulder, grabbing my suitcase and rolling it behind me. As I slammed the door shut, I looked up at the building, seeing how colossal it looked. I’d seen it previously of course, during the tour. People walked in around me. It was one of the two move-in days. I swallowed hard, biting my lip as I saw people with their parents stroll in around me. I’d always thought Sammy would be here to help me unpack and hug me goodbye before leaving.   
I rolled my bag behind me as I followed the other freshmen to the front desk. As I walked inside the doors, a gust of air hit me in the face. Several plastic tables were set up with people sitting at them. A few small sheets of paper were taped to each one, saying “Last Name (letter through letter)”. I walked over to the one labeled “Last Name W-Z”. 

I got in line behind a girl with red hair and a slim figure. Clutching my hands together, I ran my fingers through my hair anxiously. They handed her a key of some kind and what appeared to be an ID card. Walking away, she talked to her mom or older sister. 

“Next,” a middle aged looking lady wearing a campus shirt with heavy eye makeup smiled at me, “Last Name, First Name, and Graduating Class from high school.” 

“Winchester,” I uttered, “D-Deanna, Class of 2015.”

She nodded, digging through a stack of envelopes in a file cabinet. She quickly uncovered mine, opening it. 

“Oh, so you’re one of the Full Riders. If you keep it up and don’t burn out during college, you might be able to become a doctor or something, Miss Deanna.” She smiled brightly at me.

I flinched at the words Miss Deanna. The dysphoria of being called Miss and my birth name made me clench my jaw. I forced a smile through my teeth as she handed me my file. I gripped the file tightly, moving to the side as she called out “next!” Opening my file, I pulled out my room key, a single key with the number 371 carved into it. I was in room 371. Pulling out the Campus map, I quickly located the dorm buildings, school buildings, and the main building, the one I was in right now. I could hardly recall anything from the tour I took in the beginning of senior year in high school, right before I’d received the scholarship. I reached into my pocket, letting my fingers graze over the thirty dollars I still had in my pocket. 

As the main entrance became more crowded with people, I slinked off through the side door, walking across the pathway. People walked down the sidewalk, carrying things to the dorms. I followed, feeling excruciatingly lonely as people hugged their parents, brothers, sisters, and best friends. I liked pretending that my mom was here, walking next to me and not in a small box six feet underground, incinerated in a house fire after I carried my little brother out and my dad was forced out of the house by firemen. Shaking my head, I continued down the path.

Opening my envelope, I flipped my key over, reading the other side. Building a, it said in fine print. Placing the key back into my envelope, I unfolded the map again. I was near the Campus Garden, or more like open area with a few measly trees and boring wooden park benches. Looking to my right, I saw the Dorm Building A. People walked in, accompanied by friends and family alike. Walking over, I uncomfortably folded my arms, walking around people who stopped right in the middle of the path just to give their parents a hug. 

As I walked into the dorm building, I noticed the large lobby with a few tables and couches and a breakfast/lunch café. A few students stood around with parents, hugging and some even crying. I quickly searched for a staircase, being terrified of elevators. I flickered my eyes to the left side and found it, walking up a few flights before I found the hall with the rooms labeled 350-400. I gripped my key, suddenly anxious about my roommate. Realization set in that my roommate would be a girl and that she would probably hate me too for not being another cis girl. I gripped the hallway door, opening it. A few students stood in the hall, talking and laughing as they moved in. I walked down the hall, staring at the number painted on each door. The numbers got larger as I walked down, the even numbers on my left side and the odd numbers on my right. 369, 370, I counted as I searched for my room, 371. 

I stared at the door cautiously. Taking the key out of the envelope, I held it in my palm for a second, pausing, before sticking it into the keyhole, turning it. The light on the door flashed green, allowing me to grip the door handle, slowly opening the door. I squeezed my eyes shut, bracing myself before I got my first look at my roommate. 

A petite redheaded girl lay across one of the two beds in the small room. I walked in, letting the door shut behind me. She snapped up from the bed, an excited look creasing across her face, quickly replaced with confusion.

“Why is a guy in my room? My roommate’s name is supposed to be, um, let me see,” she began to dig through her own envelope, “Deanna Winchester.”

“I am Deanna,” I bit my tongue, deciding to tell her the truth, “I-I’m t-transgender, female to male.”

“Oh!” she squeaked, standing up, “Sorry! I’m assuming you prefer he/him pronouns then?”

“What?” I asked, shocked. Did she just ask about what pronouns I preferred?

“Sorry,” she shook her head, “I’m guessing you prefer they/them pronouns?” 

“N-no,” I said shakily, “No, I’m just shocked you aren’t disgusting by me being trans. I-I’ve never had anyone ask about my pronouns.”

She walked over to me, her red hair just shorter than her shoulders being lit up from the sun. I found myself staring, so I forced my eyes to look at the floor instead. 

“Where’s your parents?” she asked, a smile brightly creasing across her face as she looked behind me.

I focused my eyes back on her as I bit my nails, “They… uh… already left.”

She was a bit too personal for my tastes, but she was nice. I walked over to the two beds, looking at her desk set up on the other side of the one on the left she’d already chosen. Placing my backpack on the bed, I lay on the bed, feeling soft cushioning of the mattress. The lashes were no longer sore as I rolled on to my side. Closing my eyes, I lay on my back, relieved.

“Damn, Charlie. It’s your first day of your freshman year and you already landed a guy on your bed?” A foreign voice rang out as I heard the door open and close.   
I sat up, rubbing at my eyes. Opening them, I saw a pale guy with thick raven colored hair and tattoos trailing down his arms. 

“Are you being serious right now, Castiel?” I stared at Charlie as she turned away from her desk, greeting the boy named Castiel, “No, this is my roommate, um…”

“Dean.” I finished.

Charlie nodded, “He’s a trans guy.”

“Oh. Okay, that’s cool with me.” Castiel just stared at me, taking off his sunglasses. Flashing a smile, he waved his hand slightly, “Hey, I’m Castiel Novak. My best friend, Charlie, here appears to have difficulty carrying things in here so basically I helped her parents.”

There was a knock at the door, another voice calling Charlie’s name.

“I’m just going to go sit on this bed,” Castiel’s voice trailed off as he sat on Charlie’s bed, already made with a vibrant sapphire bedspread, “Where are your parents, dude?” 

I bit my lip, “Um.”

He placed his fist to his mouth, looking like he regretted everything he said.

“I’m so sorry,” he said finally, “You got kicked out, didn’t you?”

I suddenly heard my dad’s yelling and felt the whip hitting my back and Sam’s last words to me spit in my face. Instead of having the tears prickle in my eyes, I just looked back at him, emotionless, and nodded. 

“Bye Dad, bye Mom,” Charlie’s voice rang out, “I love you and I’ll call you when you get home.”

She closed the door, sauntered over to her desk chair, and sat down. 

“So, what’s your story?” Charlie asked, placing her phone down on the desk and turning around to face us. 

I felt both sets of their eyes focus on me, impatient for answers. I bit my lip, staring at both of them at a loss of words, every word forming on my tongue just fizzling away. I bit my tongue, wanting to run away but I knew I couldn’t run this time as I had from my home.


	3. three

“I came out to my dad and my little brother…” the images flashed through my mind as the lashes on my back began to itch and burn, “it didn’t really go well. I got kicked out. I don’t have anything, no money, no family, nothing at all.”

Castiel ran a hand through his hair, constantly fiddling with it as I talked. He looked at me softly with his crisp icy blue eyes. They seemed to be an in between color, not particularly a color you would see in a color palette of colors. It sent shivers down my spine in a way I was confused by. 

“Dean, I’m sorry.” Charlie got up from her desk chair, walking over to me and embracing me in her arms.

I hugged her back as she rubbed her hand up and down my back, sincere. She stared back, an understanding smile on her face as she stared into my eyes. 

“Listen, Dean. We can be your family. Castiel and I, we can be your family and no matter what we’ll love you unconditionally.” Charlie took my hands, hugging me again, “I’m your new mum and Cas here is your dad.” 

Castiel snickered, “Daddy.” 

I couldn’t help but let out a chuckle at his comment, Charlie falling backwards giggling like a naughty school girl.

“I really hope none of you have a daddy kink.” Charlie held her stomach, laughing, “What I write on Fanfiction.net stays on Fanfiction.net.”

“I doubt Dean wants to hear about your fan fiction fetish.” Castiel ran a hand through his hair again, messing with the two pieces that were gelled into a faux hawk.

“Are you a writer, Dean?” Charlie asked from the floor after recovering from laughing. 

“I guess,” I mumbled, pulling my laptop out of my bag and pointing to it.

“Are you taking Intro to Fiction this year?” Charlie pulled her laptop off of the desk, placing it in her lap and typing something into it. 

“Yeah,” I remembered the class on my schedule. 

“Can we talk about something other than writing?” Castiel interrupted, obviously bored by listening, “Like how we’re going to go out tonight and get smashed?”  
I swallowed hard, suddenly nervous again at the mention at going out. I didn’t want to ever leave this dorm room, no matter how small and cramped it was compared to my old bedroom. 

“Can’t we stay in tonight? We only just got here.” I suggested.

“C’mon Dean, what’s the matter? We have to take you to a real college party at the Galaxy tonight.” Castiel got up from the bed, showing his expression with his hands. 

“Chill, Cas. Your punk-ness is probably making him feel a bit nervous. I mean, I doubt you’ve ever even been to a big party. I’d love to go out, but what I’d really like to go to is the Induction party.” Charlie jumped back on to the bed, leaving Castiel standing awkwardly in the middle of the two beds. 

“What’s the Induction party?” I asked.

“No dude, the Induction party is shitty.” Castiel scrunched up his nose in disgust, “We should head out to Galaxy.” 

“What’s Galaxy?” I sit between the two of them, confused. 

“The Galaxy Bar, it’s a bar a little ways downtown. I can get you guys in. I’m friends with the guy who owns it.” Castiel flashed a smile at me.

“No offense or anything, Cas, but I think I’ll just stay in tonight and work on my novel.” I shrugged, pulling my laptop out of my bag and grabbing the charger, plugging it into the outlet next to the nightstand.

Cas huffed, crossing his arms as he stared at Charlie, looked annoyed. 

“Let’s at least go out for lunch,” Charlie suggested, “Show Dean around some.”

Cas gave her a look before putting his sunglasses on before looking back in my direction.

“You coming?” he asked as Charlie got up to accompany him, “Just for lunch, then we can head back here.” 

Reluctantly, I stared from them back at my laptop, getting up and walking up to them instead. My girl shortness made me look much shorter than Castiel and still about an inch shorter than Charlie. I was only about 5’4, where Charlie was probably about 5’6. 

“You have a car, Dean?” Castiel asked, opening the door.

“Nope,” I answer as we walk through the doorway and down the hallway. I clutched the key in my palm, following the two best friends. 

We walked down to the parking lot, allowing me enough time to get lost in my thoughts again. Are they dating? The question came across my mind, pestering me for some reason. But what if they were dating? Why should I care? Why would it matter if they were dating anyways?

Castiel pulled the keys out of his pocket, clicking the button on them, pointing it at a black car. 

“I call shotgun!” yelled Charlie as she ran up to the car. 

Castiel smirked, pulling a cigarette out of his pocket. Lighting it, he inhaled the smoke, blowing it out. I was shocked.

“Why the hell do you smoke? It’s been proven cigarettes will kill you. You’re only 19 or 20. You’ll die young. Plus, I don’t want second hand smoke and the smoke is fucking gross.” I spat at him.

“You don’t understand,” he said, taking a long drag on his cigarette, “We all die young. That’s why I smoke. I smoke to numb the inevitability of death.”

“Whatever the fuck that means,” I scowled.

I scoffed, walking away as the smoke found its way into my nose and mouth. Coughing, I opened the back seat door, sitting in the back. Castiel wavered outside, finishing his cigarette. 

“What’s his problem?” I asked Charlie. 

“He’s moody,” Charlie said, looking back at me, “He’s got a big heart, but it’s kind of ruined by everything that’s happened to him. It kind of makes him a sarcastic little shit sometimes. Don’t get too close to him. I watch my distance most of the time. He’s a bit neurotic and depressed.” 

“What happened to him?” I find the words slipping out of my mouth.

“He hasn’t even told me yet, and I’ve known him for years. No one really knows what his deal is,” She shrugged, “All I know is that his life has been pretty shitty and whatever.”

“Black Lightning, babe, I missed you,” Castiel opened the drivers’ side door, sliding in the seat. 

“Did you just,” I looked at Charlie, “Did he just call the car ‘Black Lightning’? Is that anything like Greased Lightning?” 

“We named her that after driving her home from the car dealership in a huge ass lighting storm and almost dying. Grease was an okay movie by the way. Nice reference.” Castiel jammed the key into ignition, the sound of the engine purring sending shivers down my spine. 

He turned up the radio, blasting some kind of rock music as he pulled down the windows. I cringed as we pulled out of the parking lot. As we drove down the road, I cringed as people walking on the sidewalk stared at us. Castiel just grinned as he looked out the window, the wind rushing in, blowing my hair all over the place. I couldn’t help but share a half smile as he started singing along awfully to the radio. Charlie sang the second part, and I watched them grinning and shoving each other playfully.

They were definitely a couple.

“Where do you guys want to eat?” Castiel called over the music blasting and the wind roaring in our ears.

“What do you think about Subway?” Charlie yelled.

“We have a Quiznos just a few blocks from here! Everyone knows Quiznos is superior to your precious Subway.” Castiel retorted playfully.

“Quiznos it is,” I added in from the back.

“But...but eat fresh?” Charlie fake pouted. 

Castiel crossed his arms, looking away from the road, “You eat fresher at Quiznos.” 

It was silent for a while as we drove down a few blocks, other than the wind roaring and music blasting. This part of New York was different from the city, mainly because now we were in Upstate New York. Digging my fingernails into my thigh from the anxious energy, we finally arrived at the shopping centre Quiznos was located in. Castiel pulled into the parking lot, parking his car before throwing open his door. 

“You realize that it’s only 10:30, right?” I ask as I unbuckle my seatbelt. 

“College lunch is either really early or really late for you, and last year I got early lunch because of how my schedule turned out, so now I always eat really early,” he explained, stopping the car. 

The engine fell silent and I opened my door, Charlie following me closes behind. I slammed the car door shut behind me, walking towards the Quiznos. Castiel runs to the front of the store, holding the door open for us. Winking at me as I walk in, I feel my cheeks heat up. Charlie walked by me at the front counter. Tapping her on the shoulder, she looked back at me.

“C-can you order for me?” I felt embarrassment heat up my cheeks.

“I was going to ask you to order for me because I really have to go to the bathroom,” she gave me a faint smile.

“I’ll just ask Cas,” I said as she walked off to the bathrooms.

Castiel was staring at the men posted above the counter, pulling his sunglasses off and messing with his hair again. Looking at me, he folded his arms and stared back at the menu before moving towards the counter. 

“Wait, Cas, can you order for me?” I stop him before he gets to the counter. 

“What, you can’t order for yourself?” He asked, confused.

“No, I just…” I felt the secret slip away from me, staring down at the floor, “I have anxiety, okay? It makes it really hard for me to order food or meet new people and I freak out a lot.”

He stared at me for a minute, his head cocked to the side slightly in confusion before snapping out of it and asking, “Okay, what do you want?”

I tell him my order and he nods, walking up to the counter. Running his hands through his hair, I stand next to him. The lady cuts open a bread loaf, making Cas’ sub and then mine. Toasting them, she wraps them in the paper when Charlie comes out of the bathroom and orders hers easily. 

“You’re a very cute couple,” the lady at the register smiles at us.

I look at Cas and he looks back at me, an awkward glance that lasted for a few seconds.

“We’re not together, miss.” Castiel finally says.

My cheeks burned as I grabbed my sub, Charlie accompanying us at the counter. 

“I’ll pay,” Charlie dug through her pocket, grabbing a red wallet and opening it, handing the dollar bills to the lady at the register.   
I gave Cas his sub and ambled to the exit, holding the door open for the two. Cas nodded at me, walking back out to his car and Charlie waited for me to catch up to her. The air smelled dirtier here and more chemical based than in Kansas, but it was better than anything at the moment. Charlie stared down at her phone as she walked with her sub in her other hand. It vibrated, ringing as she placed it to her ear.

“Hold on, Dean,” she nodded at me, smiling, and gestured to her phone, saying, “I’m going to stay outside for this one. Tell Cas I’ll be a minute.”   
I nodded slightly, getting in the car and buckling my seatbelt. I opened the wrapper for my sub, looking into the front seat to see Cas already beginning to chow down on his. Taking my first bite, I chewed slowly, savoring the taste after not eating for a while. The juices blasted my tongue with flavor and I couldn’t help but let out a soft moan and sigh of relief. Chewing, I swallowed, taking another bite as I noticed Cas watching me from the front seat.

“It’s a sub, dude. Chill out,” he comments, going back to take another bite out of his.

The passenger side door open, and in climbed Charlie.

“Hey babe,” Charlie shook Cas’ arm as he tried to bite into his sub.

Babe? I knew they were dating. Of course, I’m the third wheel.

“Please refrain from calling me that,” Cas frowned, shoving her away.

“Guess who’s coming to town!” she exclaimed, practically jumping up and down in her seat.

“Who’s coming to town?” Cas asked, unenthusiastically.

“Jo!” She smiled brightly as I remembered the girl from the metro station, Jo Harvelle. It couldn’t possibly be her though, could it?

“I’m sorry, but who’s Jo?” I interrupted.

Charlie turned around, looking at me with a smile almost all the way up to her ears. 

“Jo Harvelle. She’s the best girlfriend in the world. She makes these really good cupcakes and she’s got really pretty blonde hair and is possibly one of the most attractive human beings on this planet.” Charlie smiled, clutching her hands together as she closed her eyes.

I choked on my sub, coughing. “Sorry, your girlfriend? You’re a lesbian?” 

“Hells yeah, honey!” she exclaimed, “What, the short hair and no makeup didn’t give it away? I mean I’m not a stud, but I’m not exactly a lipstick lesbian. Do I even look straight to you?”

“I thought you and Cas were dating,” I explained, “I didn’t even guess you were a lesbian.”

Cas started laughing, covering his face with his hands, coughing and wiping at his eyes. He held his stomach, leaning on the steering wheel, careful not to honk the horn.

“Cas here is sexually ambiguous.” Charlie winked, raising her eyebrows.

“Stop it!” Cas shoved her playfully, “I’m going to wipe that smirk off your face.”

“You can’t deny the gay creeping in,” Charlie winked again, smirking, “Don’t be like No Homo Howell.”

“I’m not gay!” he crossed his arms, falsely pouting.

“Yeah, alright. Anyways,” Charlie continued, “Jo and I-“ 

“Are going to have really kinky sex! Jo’s going to scream so loud the dorm next door will hear and complain and you’re going to have to clip your ring fingernail because shit’s going to get real.” Castiel mocked her voice, shooting a look at her.

“Ew, you crude asshole. I’m not going to bang her tonight, jeez. She’s probably exhausted from coming from Florida to Chicago to here.” Charlie crossed her arms. 

“Are you entirely sure about that?” Castiel gave a look of disbelief, “because I recall on the second date when I went back to my apartment, you were there in my flat mate’s bed having sex with said Jo and I felt like washing my eyes out with holy water. I had to explain that I changed his sheets because I spilled Coke on his bed and he kept his door locked every day for a month because he thought I was peeking through his shit!”

“uh…” Charlie hissed through her teeth, a mortified look on her face. They had seemed to have forgotten I was even there. 

“I said you could watch a movie, god damn it!” Castiel shook his head, taking another bite out of his sub, “Anyways, you two love birds are going out, I presume, leaving me all by myself.”

Charlie unwrapped her sub, “I guess so.” 

“What is a poor lone soul like me to do?” Castiel wiped at his forehead melodramatically. 

“I assume you’ll find a way to go get smashed tonight. And probably get laid by hot freshmen chicks.” I added.

“How non classy,” Castiel rolled his eyes, “I’m not going just have sex with random girls at a bar… for free.”

“No. Bad Cassie. Prostitution is a crime.” Charlie scolded, rolling up the paper and smacking him in the head with it. 

“We should probably actually go back to the dorm room, seeing as it is already 12 pm.”

“There’s no way we’ve been sitting in this car for an hour and a half,” I scrunch my face up in confusion, looking out the window. 

“Believe it,” Charlie answers, looking down at her phone clock and showing it to me. 

Castiel started the engine up again, Black Lightning purring as he drove her down the road. He turned on the main road as I finished the rest of my sub. Crinkling the wrapper, I fold it up into a ball, holding it in my lap. It’s only a few minutes before Castiel pipes up again.

“Does anyone need to go to the grocery store?” he mutters. 

“Hell yeah, I have to pick up all of the microwavable food for the dorm room when I don’t feel like escaping to get a bite to eat. Going to the cafeteria is a drag and going out to buy food every day is way too damn expensive. Time for ramen noodles.” Charlie snaps her fingers.

Castiel raises up his hands in mock defense, turning into the grocery store parking lot. As he parks Black Lightning, I take off my seatbelt, opening the door. Castiel lingers in the car a few minutes more, finishing his sub. Charlie and I sat in a strange sort of silence.

Castiel opened the door to Black Lightning, clicking the button on his keys to lock her up. 

“Alright, let’s go.” Castiel walked ahead of us, Charlie giving me a little smirk as she looked from me back to him, her eyes seemingly forcing us together. I shook my head, frowning at her. 

We followed Castiel into the store, the sliding doors opening with a whoosh and the wind blowing me in the face, a refreshing gust that felt nice for a warm day like this. Charlie went over, grabbing a cart and wheeling it towards us. They were amazing friends, but I didn’t feel like I quite fit in with them. As cliché as that seemed, I felt like an outsider no matter how similar our tastes seemed to be. I knew that I would never fit together as well as the existing best friends already did, but I accepted it. Charlie started pushing the cart into the grocery store when she let go, jumping inside the cart. 

“Push your majesty, moi,” she used her hands to gesture towards herself, “you big, rough, tough manly men.”

I felt a smile ride up the right side of my smile weakly. Being kicked out all of a sudden didn’t seem as bad. It almost seemed worth it, just for this moment of being with new friends who called me by my correct pronouns and name. I felt the tears of joy prickle in my eyes as I gripped the handlebar of the cart. Castiel went on my right side, shoving the cart forwards. I was thankful for wearing my Nikes, running forwards to keep up with him. Charlie squealed with joy, laughing as we rushed down the cereal aisle. We slowed down, giggling and sweating and shaking with laughter and fatigue all at once. I grinned, squeezing my eyes shut.

“What cereal do you eat, Dean?” Charlie asked from inside the cart. 

“Um, I eat Frosted Flakes,” I said plainly.

“That’s one of Castiel’s favorite cereals too,” she reached out of the cart, grabbing the Frosted Flakes from the shelf, “But he likes Cinnamon Life better.” 

“That’s true,” Castiel nodded. 

“For when you get your apartment room,” Charlie said as she grabbed the Cinnamon Life off the shelf as well, “It’s a sophomore treat.”

Clutching the handlebar, I asked, “Where to next, thy majesty?”

“Wait, I need to get some of my favorite cereal, too.” Charlie grabbed the Lucky Charms off the shelf, gripping the three boxes of the cereal close to her chest, “Okay. Next stop is the Microwavable food aisle. It is time to stock up for enough Ramen Noodles to survive the apocalypse!” 

“That sounds extremely unhealthy,” I commented.

“No one said the apocalypse was exactly pretty or healthy,” she argued.


	4. four

Castiel began to rush down the aisle, turning at the end and looking up at the signs before finding the microwavable food section. We took a sharp turn, skidding it so far that Charlie almost fell out the side of the cart. I laughed, continuing to run the cart down the aisle as people stared at us like we had gone completely insane. I felt like I could do anything with them. 

“Stop,” Charlie said as she spotted the Ramen Noodles on the shelf. 

I dug my heels into the floor, stopping myself and the cart. We slowed to a stop, looking at the many different packages and flavors of the noodles. 

“What’s your favorite flavor?” Charlie asked before saying, “Damn, we really need a nickname for you. Like, you know, Castiel is Cas. My name is Charlene, which forms into Charlie. You’re Dean, but what does that turn into? We can’t just call you D cause that sounds like its short for dick.”

“I think Dean is just fine,” Cas chuckled as he grabbed the package of chicken flavored Ramen Noodles, “Also, everyone knows the chicken is the best.”

“Cas is right, there,” I agreed, nodding. 

He handed the package to Charlie, who held it in the cart. A woman with her children walked down the aisle, staring at our dysfunctional family all in itself. The two children stared at Charlie inside the cart, clutching all of the items as Cas handed her a second package of Ramen Noodles. At first, I felt like I wanted to disappear, but then I realized why should I care what that woman thought? Why should I give a shit what she thought about my new family, because, hell, they were much better than any regular family I’d ever been a part of? The woman glared at us, calling for her kids to walk with her and not look at us, like we had some kind of a disease and she must hide her children from us. In reality, we were all just bigger children. 

“Move eth onward, thy knights!” Charlie exclaimed, raising the two boxes of cereal in the air.

“Where do we go to, your majesty?” I asked.

“We are off to thy refrigeration aisle,” Charlie raised her fist in the air, “For thy milk!”

“My lady,” I said apologetically, “Forgive me but, can we also purchase thy bowls and cutlery to eat thy cereal first?” 

“Permission granted,” she nodded at me sharply before declaring, “Off to the plates, bowls, etc. aisle, thy knights!”

Castiel smiled brightly, his lips curled upwards with pure joy, his eyes crinkled at the corners, his crystal like icy blue eyes shimmering with the light, but I saw beyond that, and I thought I saw a touch of sadness in them and I was reminded of what Charlie told me in the car that day. A pang of sadness touched me deep inside and I don’t know why it did, but Castiel was different and I didn’t know how or even why but he was. Charlie was nicer than him and seemed to like me more, but something about him made me want to never let him go.

I ran with him, pushing Charlie as she laughing so hard she was shaking and clutching her stomach, doubled over. I couldn’t smile, however, faking one instead of a real one crossing across my lips. I hated that aspect of myself. I cared way too damn much about the happiness of other people. I just wanted to stay locked in a haze of life still being good, wishing I could trap the memory of being in this stupid grocery store with my best friends I just met, but inarguably the best friends I’d ever had. They say the best things in life come free to us, but so do the worst things.

We turned the corner into the aisle, quickly locating a package of plastic bowls and another package of plastic forks, spoons, and even knives. Charlie placed them beside her before demanding to be brought to the refrigerated food aisle for milk. Cas and I turned around the corner, sprinting down to the milk, digging our heels into the ground to stop the cart. I walked to the refrigerator door, opening it. Shivering from the gust of cold air, I quickly selected the gallon of milk, giving it to Charlie, who promptly placed it in the cart next to her. I shifted my feet, awaiting the next command when Charlie began talking again.

“To the check out registers, loyal and brave thy knights!” Charlie chants as we turn the cart around, racing it to the check-out counters.

Charlie dropped the cereal boxes behind her, starting to crawl out of the cart before Cas went around the side, hoisting her out of the cart. Placing her on the ground, he shook his head at her, half a grin plastered on his face. Pushing the cart forward, I began placing items on the conveyor belt, the check out register lady giving us a look as we unpacked the cart. She scanned each item, staring from me back to Cas and Charlie, who were right behind me. She placed the items in the plastic bags, handing them back to me. I placed the bags back in the cart, moving forward as Charlie dug through her pockets. She unveiled two twenties.

“Hey Dean, you got any ten’s I can borrow?” She asked desperately. 

Shoving my hand in my pocket, I pulled out the crinkled ten dollar bill, lingering it with it in my hand for a second before handing it to her. She took it gratefully, giving it to the cash register. She handed her back a few coins, saying a ‘have a great day’ before I rolled the cart out and Cas and Charlie started grabbing a bag each, leaving the one with the cereal for me. We walked out of the store, leaving the cart back where we found it. Cas pulled his keys out of his pocket, pressing them once to help find his car. He located it, Charlie and me following him at his heels. We didn’t talk much on the ride back after the exciting trip to Quiznos and the grocery store. I opened the door to Black Lightning, climbing into the backseat and buckling my seatbelt quickly. I bit my nails, than crossed my arms to stop. Cas turned on her engine, Black Lightning’s purring enough to calm down anyone. 

“Jo said that she’s going to pick me up from Ash Forest when we get back from our little trip around town.” Charlie smiled excitedly, looking at her phone. 

“Okay,” Cas said dryly, pulling Black Lightning out of the parking spot. 

I stared, tired, out the window as pulled them down and turned the volume up on the music. Cas seemed agitated but I couldn’t figure out why. I shook it off, remembering the sadness in his eyes before and what Charlie said. I frowned, running my hand through my hair. We made it back to the college about twenty minutes later, dropping Charlie off with Jo picking her up and Cas helping me brings the stuff up to the dorm. 

“See you later,” he shrugs, walking away as I pull the key to the dorm out of my pocket. 

“Bye, Cas.” I twist the key in the lock, and the green light flashes as I open the door. 

I carried all of the groceries in, placing the milk into the mini fridge Charlie had bought and placing the rest on the shelf beside it, labeled Food Pantry. She had also brought an assortment of necessary items, such as a portable stove top that was made for camping and a coffee maker. She hadn’t bought cream and sugar, so I assumed she drank it black, the same as I did. It was about 2pm now, and I was already so exhausted, I just felt like collapsing on the bed and falling asleep. Even though it was tiny, I just wanted to stay in the dorm room forever, just laying on my bed and eating Ramen Noodles from a plastic bowl. Lying down on my bed, the fatigue hit me right in the forehead, making me close my eyes. I’d slept so much lately, due to the fact that I hadn’t slept well for months. I got up, lying on my bed and pushing the blanket away. Lying on my side, I drifted off to sleep, my mind swirling as I tried to calm down, slowing my breath. The blackness was relieving and I blanked out. 

It was late when I woke. The sky was dark and I heard a knocking at my door, then a thump. Throwing the covers back, I stepped out of bed, shaking as I armed myself with my copy of Looking for Alaska. Opening the door slowly, I peered out into the dark hallway, than looked around the corner to see a figure lying on the floor. They twitched slightly, than looked up at me. Through the dark, I could still see the icy blue eyes and immediately knew it was Castiel. 

“How… did I get here?” he slurred, rubbing his face with his hands. 

“I don’t know,” I answered, “But you’re obviously drunk, high, or both.”

Kneeling down, I inspected him, still wearing the same muscle tee as he was before. I touched his shoulder, feeling awkward as he squirmed away.

“I’m going to let you in. Can you walk?” I asked.

“I…don’t know.” He slurred the words with difficulty, like talking was difficult.

I slid my arm under his chest, struggling to even lift him from the ground. I was suddenly thankful for all those visits to the gym to help myself get stronger so I could fight back against my dad. I pushed my full body strength into it, getting his back off the ground, so he was now sitting. Shoving my body underneath his arms, I helped him to his feet. He was still much taller and heavier than me, but I managed to bring him inside. He stumbled against my grip, and I laid him down on my bed.  
We sat in this awkward haze of strange Cas and I just staring. I tried to take it all in at once but found myself confused at why he’d showed up at my doorstep. 

“Where’s Charlie?” he asked, seeming a little shifty. 

“Not here, remember?” I replied, folding my arms.

“Can you…can you read me something?” he asked desperately.

I nodded, walking away and grabbing my copy of Looking for Alaska off the floor. Opening to the page where I was reading at last, I sat on the bed, behind where he laid. I tried not to touch him, the touch making me nervous and a bit shaky for some reason. 

““It's not life or death, the labyrinth. Suffering. Doing wrong and having wrong things happen to you. That's the problem. Bolivar was talking about the pain, not about the living or dying. How do you get out of the labyrinth of suffering?”” I read in Alaska’s voice, soaking in the words as they came out of my mouth, savoring and tasting them.

I continued to read, reading the book like I never had read it before. Cas moved closer at closer before he’d laid his head in my lap, staring up at me and closing his eyes, listening to me reading. I tried to not shake, nervous at Cas being so close to me and it taking my breath away and I didn’t know why it did that, it just did. My voice got tighter as I read on; knowing that the ending was near and it didn’t want it to end. I just wanted Cas to lay here with me, laying his head in my lap as I listened to his smooth, swallow breathing and he listened to me reading the story. I just wanted to pause the moment in time and remember Cas like this, as he truly was, because now I understood who he was, right here, lying with his head in my lap. 

I finally began reading the section where Alaska died, the tears prickling in my eyes. I looked down from the book at Cas, seeing tears in his eyes too as he stared up at me. 

“Do you want me to keep reading?” I asked him as he wiped the tears from his eyes.

“Yes,” he nodded slightly, “Sad endings are important. Sad endings are realistic. Sad endings are my favorite kind of endings.”

I felt the tears drop out of my eyes, my voice breaking as I read. I shook slightly, feeling a buzz in my chest from the emotion. I had wanted so desperately for Alaska and Pudge to fall in love and have a happy ending but I knew that Alaska had Jake and they never would’ve had a happy ending anyway. Alaska was just such a sad person and she was too soft for the world. I felt Cas’ wet tears on my leg as he sniffled. We were both crying idiots, late into the night at 4am, still awake when no one else was, reading a book. 

I kept reading, my voice breaking as I read the bits with Pudge talking about Alaska. Continuing to read by memory, my eyes slipped away from the page as I looked at Cas, who blinked away his tears. He stared at the ceiling, looking dazed as I continued to read. I was nearing the last few pages when I realized how much I needed him, and even though we had just met, it didn’t matter. I bit my lip as I flipped to the last page.

“‘Thomas Edison’s last words were ‘It’s very beautiful over there’. I don’t know where over there is, but I hope it’s somewhere and I hope it’s beautiful.’” I read the last line slowly, wiping the tears away from my misty eyes.

Cas stared at me as I closed the book, his eyes meeting mine. 

“I don’t believe ‘over there’ is a place,” he whispered softly, “and I don’t think it’s beautiful.”

“Where do you think we go after we die then?” I was confused by him.

“When we die, we just cease to exist. We as humans cannot imagine death. I guess it’s just one of those emotions that are too deep to feel. As humans, we make up things instead of facing the truth, just because it hurts less. Some of us can wake up though, and the people that wake up are those who are the saddest in this world. Because knowing the truth guarantees you to a life of sadness and loneliness, knowing that the universe does not spare anyone and that you are not special and that you’re just like the rest of all of the other human douche-bags, fighting and pretending the cruelty of the universe doesn’t exist.” Cas looked straight at me as he talked, his slurring becoming less prominent as a rasp appeared in his voice.

Watching him tell me these things was so attractive in an odd way and I wanted to kiss him right there but a voice inside my head kept me from doing that, telling me he didn’t like me and that if I did that he would be grossed out and nothing would ever be the same. Cas was so intelligent and I wished that we could talk like this for a long, long time and never have to face people ever again. 

“I-I never thought of it that way,” I said sincerely, still shocked at his response.

I touched his hair, slowly stroking the soft hairs and that’s when I took notice of his eyes and how the sadness was still there, looming over the bright gleam in the front. I wanted to ask so badly, but some things were just not meant to be told. My mind always seemed to be racing with thoughts and now I could hardly think anything but choppy thoughts and how my heart was racing so fast I could hardly breathe. Cas bit his lip, a nervous antic I’d never seen him do before as he stared into my eyes.

“Why are you staring at me?” I asked nervously, hoping I wasn’t being too weird.

“Your eyes,” he started, “Your eyes are the color of the forest during a thunderstorm. The trees are swishing back and forth and leaves are blowing everywhere as the thunder rumbles loudly, deep and low as the lightning crackles across the sky. It’s breathtaking. It’s beautiful. It’s not perfect, but it’s brilliant none-the-less.”

“Why is your heart racing?” I asked as his lips curled into a smile.

“You’ll see,” he had this smirk on his face and I wanted to scream out because of how hot he looked when he did that shit to me. 

He glanced at my eyes one last time before leaning in close, brushing his lips against mine before pressing them against mine, kissing me. I closed my eyes, a shiver running down my spine as I placed my hands on his face, pushing my fingers through his hair as I sighed, kissing him. He tasted of something sweet, cinnamon apples and a hint of some kind of alcoholic drink, bitter and in the back. His lips were slightly chapped and my heart felt like it was going to burst out of my chest. He was drunk and I was sober, but I felt higher than any amount of cocaine could bring me. He pulled away slowly, staring back at me. I yawned, lying back on the bed. I pulled the sheets up over us and my entire body buzzed with joy as I fell asleep curled around Cas.


	5. five

I woke with a cold, empty space beside me. I yawned, my head finally not aching from fatigue. Blinking, I rubbed at my eyes, confused. Did I only imagine Cas being here? Did I only imagine everything that happened last night? Did I only imagine falling asleep beside him in a warm cluster of two bodies entangled together. Sitting up, I shoved away the blanket, pulling my legs in and rocking back and forth from the balls of my feet to my toes. I had fallen asleep in my binder. Coughing, I rattled my chest around as I pulled off my shirt and binder, relief hitting me as I took it off. I lay on my bed, breasts exposed before I heard the door rattle. Lying down on the bed, I pulled the blanket over my chest. The door swung open, in walking Charlie with a smile on her face. She sniffed the air, looking at something on the ground. Picking up a shirt, she inspected it. Turning to me, she gave me a suspicious look, then a smile that said she knew something. 

“You and Cas fucked, didn’t you,” she had a smug look across her face. 

“No we didn’t,” I said honestly.

Charlie threw the shirt at me. I looked at it, immediately identifying it as Cas’. He had been here the night before. It was not just an element of my imagination.

“If you didn’t fuck, than why is his shirt in here?” Charlie crossed her arms, sitting down on the bed. 

“Well,” I sighed, deciding to tell the story, “Cas showed up at the door last night in a really shitty condition. He was drunk as hell, so I helped him into here. Then he asked me to read to him so I read him half of Looking for Alaska and we cried together at the end and he kissed me and then we fell asleep next to each other and I woke up this morning and he was gone.”

The smug look was immediately wiped off Charlie’s face as she looked at me with sad eyes. I was confused. 

“Dean, Cas was drunk,” she shook her head sadly, “I’m sure it didn’t really mean anything. He wasn’t thinking right and I doubt anything will happen. Like I said, he’s moody and he does a lot of shitty things. I would recommend that you stayed away from him. He doesn’t date, and he doesn’t love.”

“If he doesn’t love, then why did he collapse outside our door and kiss me?” I was confused and upset.

“Dean,” she got up from the bed, sitting at the edge of mine, “Cas has stuff about him that you don’t want to know. Being friends with him is one thing; you can stay out of his deep shit. Being his partner, his boyfriend, well, you’ll want to protect him and honestly, you’ll want to stay away from that.” 

“Why are you being so hypocritical?” I asked, “What do you mean ‘stay away from him?’ What the hell is going on?” 

“I’m sorry, Dean,” she shrugged, “You just need to watch your boundaries between Castiel and be careful not to fall in love. He probably won’t be back for a while now.” 

I wrapped the bed sheets around myself, covering my top and grabbing my suitcase, dragging it into the bathroom. I stripped my pants off, turning on the shower. Pulling out my shampoo, conditioner, and soap, I placed them on the shelf in the shower before turning on the shower. I waited for the shower to heat up, placing my other toiletries such as my toothpaste, toothbrush and deodorant on the sink countertop. I reached my hand in the shower, touching the warm water. Stepping in, I closed the glass door. The warm water washed over my face, making me feel relieved as I pushed my hair away from my face. I rubbed the soap on my shoulders, gritting my teeth as I felt the lashes sting. The water washed off the soap, leaving my shoulders still burning, however. Lathering the shampoo in my hands, I scrubbed it into my hair, leaning back into the water to wash it out. The water pressure was decent, but the water was cold, probably from other students showering after partying last night. I imagined Cas, early in the morning, dragging himself out of my bed, back into his car and to his apartment which he shared with his flat mate who probably still suspected he was peeking through his shit after Charlie had sex with Jo on his bed. I got out of the shower, turning off the water and grabbing the towel Charlie had hung up on the hook. Wrapping it around myself, I stared into the mirror, using the towel to dry off my hair. Dropping the towel at my feet, I stared at my relation mirror, my sad green eyes with heavy bags under them turning me into someone I couldn’t even recognize anymore. 

I needed to write.

Picking up my towel off the floor, I folded it around my chest, picking up my clothes and bed sheet, opening the bathroom door. Charlie sat at her desk, staring plainly at me as I walked in. she looked like she was keeping a secret of some kind as I picked up my next pair of clothes, walking back into the bathroom, changing, and coming back out. I placed the clothes into a basket Charlie had set out for laundry, placing the clothes in the basket. 

“Cas came by,” Charlie finally said, standing up as she held out a note for me, “He told me to give you this.”

I took the note from her, flopping down on my bed. Unfolding it, I saw the small letters scrawled across the top of the page.

Dear Dean, I read, Listen to Charlie. I’m a mess. Don’t fall in love with me; I don’t want to hurt you. Yours, Cas.

I folded the piece of paper back up, placing it in my lap as I shook my head in disbelief. Biting my lip, I unfolded the piece of paper again, reading it again as I took in the words, seeming like a very Cas-like thing to say, but then again, did I even know him? I’d learned a lot about him, but nothing about him all at the same time. He was a mystery I wanted to reveal; figuring him out would give us a happy ending. Cas intrigued me, and I knew that he wouldn’t just fade out of my mind and go back to being just friends again. I held the piece of paper in my palm, gripping my hands together as I pulled out my laptop. I finally had a story to write. My fingers fell on the keyboard as I began to type. They glided across the board with ease as I paused only to ruffle my hands through my hair. 

The only thing I did that day was type away at my laptop, only pausing to eat a lunch of Raman Noodles, and even then, I ate it in front of my laptop, reviewing the words I had previously written. I went to bed late that night, mostly after turning after my laptop as I stared at the ceiling, worrying about my classes starting the following day. I ran my hands through my hair, fading out as I began to fall asleep, slowly, then all at once.

I woke up to the sound of the alarm ringing. Nearly jumping out of my skin, I pulled myself out of bed, throwing on my shirt and shorts at lightning speed as Charlie threw a pillow at me. 

“What the hell, man?” she asked, “How do you get up so easily? It’s supernatural. You’re like the reincarnation of Satan or something.”

“Living on the street for a few days keeps you on your toes,” I shrugged, lathering on deodorant as I threw the pillow back at her, picking my backpack up off the floor, pulling my schedule out of my file, “Plus, I have morning classes. I’m assuming you do too.” 

Opening the file, I pulled out my schedule, checking to see my first class. Intro to Fiction Writing, it said in small print, Room 305. I folded the piece of paper back up, shoving it back into my pocket as I dumped the food from my backpack into the food pantry. I opened the box of frosted flakes, pouring it into the small plastic bowl. I kept my water bottle in my backpack, opening the milk from the fridge and pouring it into the bowl, grabbing a small plastic spoon. I began eating on the edge of my bed as Charlie began to get ready. I picked up my backpack, shoving a spoonful of Frosted Flakes in my mouth as Charlie smiled at me, putting on a shirt. 

“What class have you got first?” she struggled as she tried to put on a tight pair of shorts, kicking her legs out.

“Intro to Fiction Writing,” I responded, crunching my Frosted Flakes.

“I have math,” she scowled, “Ew.” 

“You better wake up,” I smiled, shaking my head, “When does it start?” 

“7 AM, just like the very beginning of the day here,” she groaned.

“My Intro to Fiction Writing starts at 7am too,” I shrugged, “But that’s an actual good class.” 

I finished my last bite of Frosted Flakes, staring at the clock. It read 6:30am, only thirty minutes before class started. I drank the last of milk, placing it on top of the bowls from yesterday in the trash bin. I dug through my suitcase, finding my Math book and English Lit class book, placing them in my backpack with my laptop in the front. I zipped it shut, slinging my backpack over one shoulder. I crossed my arms, searching for my key as I looked on Charlie’s desk and the side table. I finally found it on top of the food pantry, waving goodbye to Charlie as she stared into the bathroom mirror, trying to apply eyeliner for her good impression. I placed the key into my pocket, opening the door slowly as I saw a bunch of other students wobbling out of their dorm rooms, exhausted from the night before. I felt like having a cup of coffee, but I felt a buzz of nervous energy inside of me that coffee would only enhance. I shoved my hands into my shorts pockets, nervous as students walked around me, walking to the elevator. I politely moved to the stairs, walking down alone as I was able to catch my breath. Almost no one took the stairs if they didn’t have to, and most people stared at their phones as they did it, not even noticing me walking down them. I bit my lip, gripping the railing as I walked down the few flights of stairs. I finally reached the bottom, walking out of the building as tons of students held coffee cups, their eyes tired, but some with bright eyes and bushy tails. I was neither, just an in between as I walked on by. I finally reached the classroom building, walking into the lobby area. I walked up the stairs again to the third floor. Walking down the hallway, I found the room quickly, walking into the empty classroom. I stared inside, seeing a middle aged woman with thin cocoa brown hair and pale skin with freckles and wrinkles. 

“Hello,” the professor greeted me from her desk, “You look like a freshman. Why are you in my class?” 

“I’m Deanna Winchester. The girl,” I bit my lip at the word girl like it was taboo, “who opted into your class because I got recommended by my old high school writing teacher. I got a full ride scholarship.” 

“Oh,” she said, looking down at her computer, “Oh, you’re Deanna Winchester. You looked like a boy, sorry. I didn’t recognize you from the last time I saw you with your father. Anyways, choose a seat. The others will be arriving shortly, mostly later. Mostly sophomores, some juniors.”

“Okay,” I said plainly, choosing a seat in the second to last row. I pulled my laptop out of my backpack along with my sheet of paper and a pen, placing them on my desk. A few students filed in afterwards, sitting down before the bell rang and class began.

“Welcome to Introduction to Fiction Writing, my name is Professor Mills,” the professor began, “Today, we are going to go to the very basics of fiction writing and discuss why we write fiction, and then if anyone wants to share a piece of writing they wrote over the summer, they can read that. Okay, if you want to share why you write fiction, raise your hand, and if you don’t want to share, still just write it down so you remember why you write fiction on those tough writing days.”

A few hands shot up, ready to answer the question eagerly. I kept mine flat on my desk, picking up my pen to write my answer down. 

“To visit worlds we’ve never seen,” a girl responded, glancing around the room to intimidate the others, as if her answer was much better than any of theirs. 

“Very good,” the professor praised, “next?”

A boy shrugged, “to find ourselves in this insane world.” 

“Fantastic,” the professor smiled, “One more. Actually, how about you, Deanna?”

I froze, feeling my heart pounding in my chest as everyone turned around to me expectantly, staring at me, noticing me all of a sudden. I wanted to scream, but the scream was caught in my throat. My binder felt like it was choking me, pressing all of the air out of my lungs. Their gazes all burned into me, making me want to disappear. I stared down at my sheet of paper.

“T-to- to become the person we want to be. T-to disappear.” I choked out as I dug my nails into my leg, biting my lip over and over again, feeling the blood drip in. 

“Good, Deanna.” She said, nodding, “Next time, speak up a little. Don’t be afraid. Alright, now does anyone want to read a piece of writing aloud?” 

A few hands shot up as I shakily pushed my fingers through my hair, trying to take deep breaths that felt impossible to take with my shaking and compressed lungs. Speak up a little? Don’t be afraid? Did she even understand how anxiety worked? I thought about the many words I had typed yesterday in the story I began to write about Cas. I could never read anything out loud, however. I could barely give a short answer to the class, much less read an entire short story or an excerpt from a novella or a novel in front. A skinny girl with light brown hair and streaks of blonde stood up at the front, a smirk on her face as she held her notebook close to her chest. 

“This story is called ‘Drizzle’,” She stared up at the audience, “I hope you enjoy.”

We all clapped before she began to read.

"Piper fell into Jack. His eyes shimmered green like the galaxies above. His scent filled her nose with the smell of cologne with a hint of vanilla. His touch was like soft and smooth as ever, like lying on a silk sheet. Piper nuzzled her head into the crook of Jack’s neck, embracing him. Jack wrapped his arms around her in return.  
“I missed you.” Piper felt the tears prickle her eyes.  
“I did too.” Jack whispered into her ear, “Can I have this dance?”  
Piper nodded, pulling away gently and placing her hands on Jack’s shoulders, pressing her body against Jack’s. Jack pulled her close, placing his hands on Piper’s small framed waist. The music played softly in the background, a slow song that made Piper feel light and happy. A smile on her lips, they swayed in a box motion. Leaning in slowly, she stole a kiss from Jack that tasted like Strawberry Hill wine.  
Piper stared into Jack’s green eyes, a blush forming on her cheeks, burning love. Leaning in for another kiss at the end of the song, her lips brushed up against Jack’s.  
“I love you,” Piper whispered, grazing Jack’s lips.  
She pressed her lips on to Jack’s then felt the coldness. He tasted like ashes. Pulling away, Piper felt her screams catch in her throat. The colors began to drain again as she stared into Jack’s eyes.  
“No,” Piper cried, stroking the side of his face as she watched the color fade from his eyes. The galaxies disappeared, the smell of smoke surrounding her. The grey filled in spaces from every corner.  
Jack stared blankly, fading away as the ash storm surrounded them. Piper sobbed, collapsing on to the ground, shaking as the tears poured from her eyes. She choked on the ashes, coughing, struggling to breathe and curling up into a ball.  
She woke up shaky, blurry eyed with a scream caught in her throat. Rubbing her eyes, she looked around his room. She lay back down, closing her eyes. It had only been a dream. Jack was okay. The cold dread slammed her in the face as she reopened her eyes. She saw grey. Everything was grey again. The breath caught in her throat as she lay in bed, paralyzed as her phone started ringing.  
“Piper Sanders, we offer you our deepest apologies. Your soul mate, Jack Cameron, died at 2:33 am today on January 10th, 2015. He died due to skull injuries in a car accident instantly.”  
Piper stared blankly, unable to cry, unable to breathe. Jack was gone, in an instant. But what the hell was an instant anyways? A minute? Thirty seconds? Ten seconds? One second? However long it was, it must’ve felt like an infinite amount of minutes as his world went black and the searing pain rippled through his body. Did everything go black afterwards? Did he go to heaven? Did he just cease to exist?  
Piper swallowed hard as she bit her tongue, grabbing the phone. Dialing Sadie’s number, she sighed into the phone, grabbing the gas and lighter, pouring the gas on the carpet and lying down in it as she clicked the lighter to reveal a flame.  
“Sister, I’m done,” she whispered into the phone as she picked up. "

She promptly finished, giving a curt bow as she walked back to her seat. We all sat in silence for a moment, realizing what had just happened before clapping exuberantly. I sat in silence, recalling what had just been read to me. Some of the girls in the class wiped away tears. Professor Ferryman just blinked a few times before clearing her throat.

“Very moving piece of writing, um, miss,” Professor Mills trailed off. 

“Bela, Bela Talbot.” She smiled at Professor Mills from her seat, folding her notebook back to the first page. 

“Very good work, Miss Talbot.” Professor Mills looked at the newly raised hands, “Alright, you there in the front row.” 

A muscled dark skinned boy stood up in the front of the class. 

“I have a poem, actually.” He cleared his throat, “It has been unnamed.” 

Gentle breezes  
Empty breaths  
We stand hopeless  
Until the end.

He bowed, sitting back down in his desk as everyone clapped. 

“Good poem,” Professor Mills smiled, “One more.” 

A blonde boy stood up, reading his story out loud as I zoned out, suddenly unable to pay attention as I thought about Drizzle some more. What was an instant, after all? How did it feel to die? Where did you even go after you died? What the hell was anything in this world? 

The rest of the day went by in a blur and soon enough I was back at the dorm room at 6pm, my backpack weighing me down. I groaned as I walked up the stairs, digging my key out of my pocket and sticking it into the door, turning it in the lock and opening the door. I pushed open the door. Closing the door behind me, I flopped down on my bed, Charlie not yet back from class yet. I pushed off my backpack, placing it on the ground. I groaned from fatigue, feeling exhausted. Charlie walked in a few minutes later, handing me a cellophane box. I placed it on my lap, sitting up as she walked to her desk. 

“I got you some pizza from Pizza Oven.” She opened her box, pulling out a piece of pizza and biting into it, figured you didn’t want Ramen Noodles for dinner again. Also, I thought you wouldn’t want to go to the cafeteria tonight.” 

I nodded, “Thank you.” 

Opening the box, I took a bit of the pizza. 

“It’s cheese by the way, because I didn’t know what kind of pizza you liked and pretty much everyone likes cheese.” Charlie bit into her pizza again.

“I like cheese,” I said thankfully, “Thank you, Charlie.” 

“I heard from Castiel today. He’s in my math class.” Charlie chewed, “He told me to tell you that he was sorry and that he wanted to make it up to you but he was afraid. But honestly, I can’t stand to see you stay here all sad eyed and droopy, just typing away at your laptop, so I’m going to give you his address so you guys can make up and we can all hang out together like we did on the first day.” 

Charlie picked up a pen, writing down his address and handed me the scrap of paper. I read the paper, placing it on my lap as I finished eating my slice of pizza. I placed the cellophane box in the trash can, taking my laptop out of my backpack. I opened it, turning it on as I stared at the page of writing, scrolling down to where I ended. I stared at the blinking cursor for a few minutes before placing the laptop down next to me and turning it off. My mind went blank, and I just began thinking about Castiel and everything in the world just seemed like a struggle. 

Days passed on by as I blankly attended class, going back to the dorm and staring at the wall. I was so emotionless, just thinking for days on end. A few weeks passed before it was two months later in October and I finally found the note with Castiel’s address on it. It had been two months since I’d last seen him and one night had just ruined everything for us. Charlie had gone practically radio silent and I felt like what she told me that Castiel had told her wasn’t exactly the truth. I finally mustered up the courage to go to Castiel’s apartment. It was a Saturday, one of the days I didn’t have class and most people spent out at the mall or hanging out with friends that I spent hiding inside the dorm room. I held the small scrap of paper in my hand, typing the address in my laptop. Castiel lived about only about five minutes away in an apartment building just down the street from the collage.


	6. six

I leapt to my feet, grabbing a piece of paper from Charlie’s desk and writing down the information. It was about 8 o’clock and Castiel probably was out doing something but just the chance of seeing again filled me up with to the brim with hope. I walked to the door, picking up my hoodie and pulling it over my head, finding my key in it. I placed the key in my pocket, opening the door as I held the directions in my hoodie pocket. Walking down the hallway, a few students talked from the doorway as I walked down the hallway to the stairs, jogging down the stairs as I held my hands inside my hoodie pockets. I walked out of the building, walking down the sidewalk and staring at the sky getting dark. I felt nervous to walk alone at nights, even if I was a boy now, the fear of walking back during the night still bit at me. I walked off campus, past the parking lot and began walking down the sidewalk next to the road. My steps were light and I shivered as the chilly night began to set in. I tried to make out my writing in the dark and soon found myself at Cas’ apartment building. I walked into the main lobby, pressing the buzzer for his doorbell, hearing a voice say to come up immediately. I jogged up the stairs, passing a few people before I came to Cas’ door.

Knocking softly, a person with caramel brown hair came to the door, opening it. He looked irritated and tired. 

“Hello,” he asked, looking at me, leaning against the door frame.

“Is your flat mate in? Is Castiel here?” I asked biting my lip as the guy stared at me like I was crazy.

“Why are you here? We kind of have a meeting about to go on in a few.” The guy crossed his arms, looking annoyed. 

“Dean?” I heard a voice from the background and a few voices saying undecipherable things in the background, “Dean?” 

“Cas, is that you?” I asked as I heard the footsteps getting closer as I felt a pang in my heart.

Castiel appeared from behind the shorter boy with caramel colored hair. Shoving him out of the way, Castiel stared at me in the doorway. 

“Gabriel, can we have a few minutes?” Castiel asked impatiently as he placed his cigarette back in his mouth, inhaling and exhaling before smashing it in the ash tray by the door.

“Sure,” Gabriel shrugged as he walked away, rolling his eyes. 

Castiel closed the door behind him before shoving me up against the wall. His eyes were a desperate, stormy blue and he looked exhausted, like he hadn’t slept for days. 

“Dean, what were you thinking?” He asked me, his eyes panicky and his whole body looking shaky. 

“What do you mean?” I asked, confused.

“Why did you come here?” Castiel asked, looking scared, “I told you to stay away from me. I’m going to hurt you if you stay in my life. I’m a hurricane and I’m going to ruin your life. Do you really want that?” 

“If I get to have you, I think it’s worth it. I know you feel the same way. Come on; say you love me too.” I said desperately, fighting back tears as he looked away from me for a minute. 

“It’s dangerous here,” he said after a while, “Go home, Dean.”

“Cas, whatever you’re doing right now that’s so dangerous, you shouldn’t be doing. Put me in your place right now and imagine that what’s going to happen to you will happen to me. Come with me, Cas. You don’t have to live so riskily. What are you so afraid of?” I gripped his shoulders. 

“I love you, Dean.” Castiel leaned in, pressing his lips against mine as I tasted the sugary sweetness of the caramel apples and the bitter tang of the cigarette smoke that I craved from him, “but I promise, I’m going to take you out on a date tomorrow, but that has to be the last one. I can’t afford for you to get hurt.” 

I kissed him again, hard as I felt the frustration build up in my body travel though myself. He kissed back passionately, running his hands through my hair as the door opened and he shoved me away quickly. 

The boy at the door, Gabriel, blinked, shaking his head as he cleared his throat, “I’m going to pretend I never saw that. Anyways, we need you back in here, Castiel. We got some business to attend to here, Dean.” He hissed out my name. 

I gripped the edge of Cas’ rolled up shirt that just covered up his elbow with a look that said stay, but a look already took over his own face that read go desperately.   
“I’ll see you soon, Dean.” Cas said as he walked back in the room, giving me one last glance as Gabriel shut the door. 

I stood outside the door, my hands in my front pocket as I sighed, wishing Castiel wasn’t so flaky and here to stay. I walked away, leaving the building and walking home to collapse on my bed. Charlie walked by me with Jo again, on her way out of the door as I was walking in. She gave me a smile as I pulled out my key, opening the door and laying back down on my bed, drifting off to sleep.

I woke up to the sound of the door opening and Charlie stifling a sob as she ran over to her bed. I sat up, taking a breath as I looked around, groaning softly as I ran my hand through my hair. I felt like Charlie and I had grown apart very much from the first time we met, and she spent more time out and about than staying in the dorm. She lay down on her bed, smashing her face into a pillow as I stared blankly, rubbing the morning blurriness and fatigue from my eyes. 

“Jo fucking broke up with me!” she exclaimed, “I paid for our date night and we were in the car and I was about to drop her off and she broke up with me! That bitch!”

“Uh…” I stuttered, trying to find the right words to use but none came to mind. I had never even dated anyone except for one guy in high school to go with for prom and then he dumped me and I wasn’t even upset, “It’ll be okay, I guess.” 

“Ugh,” she cried into her pillow some more. 

I went into the bathroom, showering, throwing on my black skinny jeans and my white sweatshirt. Ruffling my hands through my hair, I came out of the bathroom to her pouring herself a glass of wine.

“Jesus Christ, Charlie,” I shook my head at her pouring the liquid into the plastic cup. 

“I’m just going to stay here all day,” Charlie complained, lying back on the bed after taking a sip of the wine. 

“That’s pretty much what I do so we won’t have a problem,” I shrugged as I pulled out my laptop, turning it on as I went and made myself a bowl of Frosted Flakes. Biting my lip, I grabbed a plastic spoon. I dug my spoon into the cereal, taking a bite and returning to my bed where my laptop was already turned on. I logged into it, taking another bite of cereal, crunching the glazed corn flakes. I smiled as I reopened my document. 

I typed at my laptop for a while, my word count hitting about 8,000. Turning it off, I pulled out Looking for Alaska again, rereading it and missing Cas even more. I looked over at Charlie and imagined what it would be like if Cas broke up with me. We weren’t even dating in the first place, so I doubt that would be anything to worry about. He said he would take me on one more date, but I didn’t want to go. He told me not to fall for him, but the truth was I already had. And Cas loved me, he loved me so much that he let me go, or at least I thought. 

It was 9 o’clock at night when I heard a persistent knock at the door. At first I thought it was Jo, coming to apologize and I almost didn’t open the door, fearing Jo would freak out in seeing the state that Charlie was in. I went to the door, opening and Castiel wearing a black pullover hoodie and holding a blue scarf. 

“Dean,” he said, “I-I’m here to escort you on our second date.” 

“Well technically, we never had a first date, so this can’t be a second date, unless you counted the time you got drunk and I read you Looking-“he stopped me with a quick peck on my lips. 

“You think too much,” he grinned as he kissed me, “Go get a scarf, I’m going to show you something.” 

I walked back into the dorm room, grabbing my key and Charlie’s black scarf. As I walked back out, I tripped on something, falling and being caught before I hit the ground. Cas chuckled, taking my hand as we walked to the staircase as other college students lurked in the halls. It was a Saturday night and a cold one at that. As we walked out of the building, I felt the bitter cold nip at me and my cheeks heat up to try to combat the cold, un-fall-like weather. 

“Jesus Christ its cold,” I shivered, shoving my hands in my pockets. 

Castiel took my hands in his, rubbing on them with his own and breathing hot air on them.

As I breathed out, the air froze and turned into the cloud puff of cold air. Cas gripped my hand tightly, his hand warm and soft unlike I thought it would be. He coughed, wrapping his scarf around his neck and taking Charlie’s scarf from me and wrapping it around my neck. The bitter cold bit at my ears but my neck was warm. Not seeing Cas’ tattoos was weird, like seeing a dog without a tail. He smiled brightly, however and I knew it was him just by that smile, the way his lips curled into it from the right side and then the left side. 

We finally got to Black Lightning, her purr as he turned the key in her ignition. I sit next to him in the front seat, staring out the window, then back at him as the heat came into the car, warming me. Cas pulled a contraption out from his pocket, placing it on the thing between the two seats, staring at me desperately.

“I want to leave a mark on you,” he said desperately, “I want to prove I’ve touched your life. Please let me give you a tattoo.” 

“What is that thing?” I asked as he flicked open a lighter, holding it on the small needle at the end on the contraption. 

“Tattoo gun,” he said as he dipped it in ink and pulled out a pen.

“Okay,” I said finally, “Put it on my shoulder.” 

He took off my sweater and looked at me as he looked at my shirt. 

“Is it okay if I take off your shirt?” he asked politely. 

I thought about the scars on my back from the lashes and wanted to say no but I felt myself nodding, trusting him. Holding my arms up, he pulled it over my head. He covered his mouth as he saw my back, the pink scarred lines across it from my back.  
“Who did this to you?” he asked, shocked. 

“My dad,” I felt my throat shrink to the size of a pinhole. 

He stared at them, back to my eyes for a minute before hugging me. I wrapped my arms around him, feeling cold as my bare stomach and back was exposed. My binder clung to me tightly and I felt nervous, exposed. Cas placed his hand on my shoulder, tracing his handprint on my shoulder with the pen. Suddenly, I hear the machine turn on and I flinch. 

“It’s okay. This is going to hurt like a bitch but it will be worth it when it’s all over.” Cas assured me as he gave me his other hand to hold on to when the needle went in, “Breathe.”

I breathed out as I felt a stinging pain as the needle pierced my skin. He traced all the way around the hand print and I tried not to flinch. I bit into my lip, the pain throbbing in my shoulder as he finished the tattoo. I hissed through my teeth, trying to breathe as my binder compressed my chest. 

Cas pulled the machine away from me as relief hit me. He had finished the tattoo. I looked at my shoulder, irritated and inflamed as he applied peroxide and wrapped it in a gauze bandage. He slowly put my shirt back on, trying not to irritate the newly placed tattoo. Over that, he put on my sweater and slowly tied my scarf back around my neck.

“I still have somewhere to show you,” he smiled as he pulled Black Lightning out of park and began to drive down the road.

“Where are we going?” I asked, confused.

“It’s a surprise,” Cas said, grinning from ear to ear.

“You and your many surprises,” I smiled as I crossed my arms. 

My tattoo burned and I wanted to make it stop hurting but staying with Cas was better. I scratched right underneath it as I stared at Cas driving.   
He pulled into the place, parking the car as I stared at the illuminated sign. Westfield Ice Arena, it read in bright neon colors. Cas opened the door, grabbing a pair of skates from the backseat. 

“We’re going skating?” I asked, confused.

“Not just skating,” Cas winked as he took my hand. 

He pulled me through the front door as one of the staff members walked up to him, greeting him. It was a younger looking guy with black hair and dark skin.

“Hey Cas,” he greeted him, “Who’s your uh, friend, here?” 

“Can I get the keys Rufus? Come on, dude, you know how much I’ve done for this rink. And this is Dean.” Cas pleaded.

Rufus shrugged, handing him the keys, “I’m assuming that Dean needs some skates.”

“I don’t know, uh, I’ve never skated,” I declined.

“Cas here will teach you. What’s your shoe size?” Rufus asked. 

“Size 7,” I frowned. 

“You’ve got little feet,” Rufus chuckled as he walked back into one of the closets, reappearing with skates, and “Be out of here by 11, Cas, that’s when we cut power and lock up.” 

Cas nodded, sitting down on one of the benches. He took off his shoes, lacing up his skates on his feet quickly. I took off my shoes, attempting to tie my skates but ending up waiting for Cas.

“Do you need help?” he asked.

“No, Cas, I totally know how to tie skates after never having been skating before.” I said sarcastically. 

He chuckled, leaning down and pulling my laces tight. He pulled me to my feet as I wobbled in my skates, shaky. 

“Steady, now,” he held my hand as he walked with me, “Bend your knees or you’ll fall.” 

“Don’t treat me like a child,” I pouted sarcastically, sticking out my lower lip, crossing my arms as Cas giggled, dragging me along behind him. 

He opened the doors to the rink, the cold hitting me in the feet as he looked breathless, his eyes shining brighter than I’d ever seen them before. I forgot about the ache in my shoulder, taken aback by his smile and gleaming blue eyes that gave me more chills than the coldest weather I’d ever been in. 

He let go of my hand, running through and stepping on the ice, exploding as he took off. skating quickly he glided before turning and skating around the rink. He pranced and yelled excitedly, looking so much more alive than I’d ever seen him before. Maybe this was Cas, not at all what I’d thought he was when I read him Looking for Alaska. He skated all the way around the rink, stopping harshly at the door, spraying ice into the air that ran down like snowflakes. I stood, nervous, as he looked at me, an ecstatic grin on his face. He appeared to be like he was on cloud nine, nothing ever able to bring him down again.

Before I was able to argue, he took my hands, pulling me on to the ice. I wobbled all over, barely able to stand up as Cas reminded me to bend my knees. I bent my knees, staying low to the ice as he pushed me to the wall. I gripped the wall tightly with white knuckles, scared to fall. He chuckled at me, pulling me off the wall and holding me close to him. He wrapped his arms around me from behind, pushing off from each foot as we began moving. Releasing his arms from me, I was moving on my own, terrified. He dashed in front of me, making sure I didn’t fall. I stuck my arms out for balance, terrified. 

“How do you skate like this?” I asked, slowing to a stop. 

“I played ice hockey,” he smiled as he took my hands, skating backwards, pulling me forwards, “Alright, now start to push off with one foot.”  
I began to push off with my left foot lightly as I got better at balancing. Cas crossed his feet over as we turned around a corner. I glided along, pushing off delicately on one foot. 

“I’m so scared right now,” I admitted breathlessly. 

“What are you afraid of?” He asked, tilting his head slightly to the left. 

“I don’t know, falling I guess.” I shrugged, forcing myself to make eye contact with him.

“If you fall, I will catch you before you even hit the ground,” He said gently, “Don’t afraid to take a risk.”

“Okay,” I sighed, “But… you can’t be afraid to take a risk and lose me.” 

“I am taking a risk right now,” he admitted, pressing his lips into mine, “Will you be my boyfriend, Dean Winchester?”

I stopped skating, ripping my hands out of his and wrapped my arms around him. Tears formed in my eyes as I gripped him tight.

“Yes,” I whispered in his ear, “Yes.” 

I felt him slide his hand under my back, lifting me into the air as he gripped under my legs. He held me bridal style as I squeaked, laughing as he placed me inside the bench. 

“You’re a nerd,” he smiled, teasing me. 

“You’re a jerk,” I teased back, folding my arms as I got up from the bench part to lean over the side. 

Watching him skate was like was almost like writing, but better. Being with Cas overall made me feel like I was so high I could never come back down. In that moment, I felt a shiver go down my spine, and I was scared that I would never love him as much as I did now and that everything would fade from this moment on. I swallowed hard from the anxious thoughts just trying to focus on Cas and being happy but they kept coming into my life over and over again ruining me.  
Cas panted, jumping over the side of the bench and wrap his arm around me. I smiled as he pulled his phone out of his pocket. 

“Shit,” He said, hissing through his teeth, “It’s almost 11. We should probably get out of here.” 

“It’s been an hour already?” I asked as he helped me back on to the ice. 

“Yeah, I guess so. Time really flies, doesn’t it?” Cas pulled me forwards towards the exit, lifting me over the step and helping me back to the lobby.


	7. seven

Sitting down on the bench, he untied my skates for me, leaving them on the table as he quickly untied his. We walked out of the rink, feeling the cold air blast me in the face as we walked outside. I shivered, the tattoo throbbing again as Cas led me to Black Lightning. We drove back to the university quietly, Cas’ hand brushing up against mine. He parked Black Lightning, getting out and helping me out of the passenger side seat. 

“It’s kind of late,” he said, shrugging, “You want me to walk you back or just head back?” 

“Yes please, take me back,” I said, taking his hand. 

We walked back on to campus, holding his hand in mine as we walked back into the dorm building, walking up the stairs together. We walked back to the dorm room, walking through the empty hallway. 

I stuck the key in the keyhole, twisting the key in the lock as I opened the door. Cas followed behind me as I walked in. My eyes widened as my heart stopped at the sight. My blood curdled, freezing in my veins as I covered my mouth, all of the breath sucked out of my body as I sank to my knees, Cas staring at the sight behind me. I began crying, the tears burning in my eyes as he pulled me to my feet, picking me up and closing the door. I heaved a sob, trying to hold my breath as I hyperventilated, seeing Cas’ face blurred through my tears. I gasped for air as the world began spinning, shaking and fading to black. The last thing I heard was the sound of my name of Cas’ lips. 

I sat in a dark room, illuminated by only one light aimed right on me. I blinked, staring at the ceiling as something unidentifiable crawled around in the shadows. I stood, shivering as the creature lurked closer, standing on two feet as it lingered closer. 

“Dean,” It said in a hushed voice as it came out of the shadows, “I see you, and there’s no escape.” 

It revealed its face and I saw her, the gunshot wound in her forehead dripping with blood as a stream came out of her mouth with saliva and it rained out of her eyes like tears. 

“Charlie,” I whispered, my voice horse, “I’m so sorry, Charlie.” 

“It’s your fault, Dean,” she hissed as she came closer to me, “They killed me. How could you leave me alone like that?” 

She put her hand on to my arm as she stared into my eyes with her brown eyes that filled up with tears of blood. Her body began rotting, the horrible stench filling the air as she screamed in agony. I felt the panic rise in my lungs as I felt the tears prickle in my eyes. Her bones lay next to me, the last of the flesh rotting off them as I screamed.

I sat up. Opening my eyes, I rubbed at them, wiping away the blurry exhaustion. Yawning, I look to my side, seeing Cas slouched over in a chair, asleep. 

“Hey, Cas, wake up,” I whispered, tapping him on the shoulder.

He jolted up, rubbing his eyes and staring right at me. I looked down at my body, seeing the hospital sheets lying over me. I pulled them down, looking at the IV needle in my arm. 

“Dean,” he said hoarsely, his morning voice taking over, “Hey, you’re awake. You passed out and you were out for about a day.” 

I bit my lip, feeling the tears in my eyes as I remembered what happened. The images of Charlie tied to the chair. The blood splatters on the wall behind her. Seeing the blood that ran out of her mouth and from her eyes down her clothes was paralyzing. 

Cas gave me a weak smile as he wiped my tears away, “Shush, its okay, its okay. You’ll be okay.” 

I swallowed hard as Cas wiped me tears away, assuring me it was okay and I asked, “Can you lie with me?” 

“Of course,” he nodded, getting up from the chair and lying on the bed next to me. 

He laced our fingers together as I sighed, wiping the tears from my own eyes. We lay like that for a little while, being so close but so far. I bit my lip, trying not to cry so Cas wouldn’t worry. The weirdest part is that Cas didn’t cry when we found Charlie, and he didn’t cry now either.

“Cas, how are you so strong?” I asked absentmindedly, staring at the ceiling, thinking. 

“How am I strong?” he asked, obviously confused. 

“You never cried when Charlie died, and you aren’t crying now.” I said, biting my lip to fight back tears.

“Crying doesn’t mean weakness, Dean. I’m not crying because I’m just so numb. I’d rather feel pain than nothing at all.” He squeezed my hand tightly as he said that, “I’m probably going to have to go get the nurse and tell her you’ve woken. They probably already know, and have someone coming up here anyways.” 

Cas pulled his hand away from mine, getting up to go to the door as a nurse opened it. He stepped back, allowing the nurse into the room. 

“Hello, Miss Winchester.” She greeted me with a smile as Cas had a frown clearly indented in his face. 

“Excuse me Miss, but he prefers he/him pronouns, not she/her pronouns. Can you use the correct pronouns please?” Cas interrupted.

“Sorry, Mr. Novak,” she hissed at him, “but Miss Winchester does not have a sex change yet, so I will refer to her as Miss Winchester.” 

“That’s bullshit!” Cas exclaimed, “Genitals do not define your gender!” 

“Mr. Novak, you’re going to have to leave or I’m going to have to call security. We barely let you in anyway, only because Miss Winchester’s parents and siblings refused to come in.” 

I remembered Sam, imagining his face as he heard I’d ended up in a hospital. It probably was nothing now, just a shrug because he absolutely despised me. 

“Cas, it’s okay,” I lied weakly as he crossed his arms, pissed, “Leave, so you won’t get in trouble.” 

“This is not okay,” he grumbled as he left the room. 

The nurse pulled the IV needle out of my arm, placing a band-aid path over it. I poked it, sitting up and getting out of the bed. I was dressed in a hospital gown as the nurse checked me over.

“Okay,” she finally said, “You’re healthy. I’ll go get the paperwork to sign you out. Your boyfriend will obviously be happy to get you out of here.” 

I was signed out of the hospital at 8am on Monday morning, the first morning of November. Cas was thrilled to get out of the hospital. He took my hand as we left the hospital, giving me back my sweater, jeans, and even my binder, wrapping the scarf, formerly Charlie’s scarf, around my neck as he warned that it would be cold. The bitter cold bit at me as I walked outside.

“You got excused from going to class for the rest of the week,” Cas said emotionlessly, pulling out his car keys, “I got about two days before I have to go back to class, but I might skip some so I can take care of you.” 

“You don’t have to take off days of your education to take care of me,” I stared up at him as he located Black Lightning in the crowded parking lot.  
“My pleasure,” he said, unlocking Black Lightning. 

“Okay, so what do we do now? Just forget about her? Just go on living our own lives like a selfish narcissist?” I was frustrated, trying to remember her but just forgetting, slipping away, “And she was a great person, you know? She sucked sometimes but she bought me food and made sure I didn’t fully become a hermit! How could you murder someone who was so nice and so joyful to just be alive? How could you do something like that?” 

“Dean,” Cas said as he opened the passenger side door for me, “Calm down, okay? I know Charlie’s gone, and I know you’re upset. I also miss her, a lot. She was a great person and she had a lot of potential. But sometimes, really awful things happen to really amazing people. It sucks a lot, you know, but you know you’re alive by sadness. The world is truly a horrible place full of horrible people and if you think about it, everyone can be a bad person.” 

I looked at him before wrapping my arms around him, the tears burning in my eyes again as he held me close to him. 

“I just really, really like you and I don’t want to lose you.” I whispered in his ear, “There is a murderer out there who killed Charlie and I don’t want to lose you too. You’re the only person that I’ve got.” My voice began to break at the end as I cried, my hands shaking as I pulled away slowly and sat down in the passenger seat, holding my gaze with Cas as he broke it, walking around the side of the car and sitting in the front seat. 

The thought hit me as he began to drive away, crawling into the back of my mind and poking at me as I tried to shove it aside, but it came back, pestering me again and again as we drove in silence down the road. 

Did Cas have something to do with Charlie’s murder? 

I frowned, shuddering as I imagined Cas holding a gun, smiling devilishly and pointing it at Charlie, screaming and sobbing as she struggled against the chair’s grip, shrieking as he closed one eye, his blue eyes being the last thing she saw before he fired the gun, smiling as the blood splattered against the wall behind her and the smile forming on his lips as the blood splattered on his face. 

I shook the thought from my mind as we stopped in front of the police station. 

“Cas, why are we at the police station?” I asked, shoving my hands in my pockets. 

“They needed to interrogate the witnesses,” Cas stopped Black Lightning, pulling the key out of her ignition. 

“That means… me.” I realized, biting my lip purely out of fear. 

“They told me to bring you when you got dismissed from the hospital,” Cas opened his door as I opened mine; “They have it all ready for you. All you have to do is go in there and tell them exactly what happened. Do not acts nervous or they will suspect something? When you say the thing about the tattoo, be sure to show them your tattoo.” I remembered my tattoo, the pain burning in my shoulder I touched my hand to it. 

He closed his door as I opened mine, climbing out of Black Lightning. Cas locked the car, pulling me close to him as he forced me to stare into his eyes, vibrantly icy blue and staring right past my skin into my soul as he leaned down and kissed my forehead. 

“Be brave, Dean. It’s okay.” Cas hugged me again, “I’m always open to talk.” 

I felt the wave of anxiety crash into me as if I was lying on the shore of the beach, my head on the sand, the waves crashing into me again and again as I laid on the shore, the water washing into my eyes, nose, and mouth as I tried to breathe, coughing and choking. It was crippling, my jaw clenching shut as I remembered the blood and the broken expression on her face. 

Cas walked ahead, leaving me behind to catch up. I followed close behind as we entered the police station, my skittish behavior making me look like I had something wrong with me. Biting my nails, Cas rubbed my shoulder, reminding me to calm down as I felt the panic rising up inside of me again. 

Soon enough, I was in a room with the detective assigned to Charlie’s murder. He was an older man with a receding hairline, grey hair, harsh brown eyes, and wrinkles that ran deep into his skin. His lips were pursed in a frown. I sniffled as I shook my head, the first question on his lips. 

“Hello, Deanna,” I cringed at the sound of my birth name, “We just have a few questions to ask about the murder of Charlie Bradbury. It won’t be long.” 

“Okay,” I nodded as I dug my fingernails into my leg under the table. 

“Charlie had just been murdered a few minutes before Castiel Novak called the police, which he has made a claim is when you opened the door and found her, passing out after going into a panic attack. Is this information accurate? Please tell us what happened in your point of view.” The detective crossed his arms, licking his lips.   
“That is correct,” I nodded, “And as for the entire story of what I was doing that night, you can start writing it down.”

The detective nodded, holding his pencil to the notepad as I stared into his dark, insensitive eyes. 

“I was at my dorm room at about 8:45 pm when Cas picked me up. Charlie’s girlfriend, Jo Harvelle, had recently broken up with her, so she was left at the dorm room alone while I went on my date. I went out to Castiel’s car, where he gave me a tattoo…” I trailed off as I pulled down the side of my sweater to reveal my handprint tattoo, which the investigator quickly took note of. 

“At about 9:30 to 10:15ish, Cas took me to the ice skating rink, Westfield Ice Arena. We skated until about 11pm, which is when we returned back to Ash Forest University and Castiel walked me back to the dorm room and then that’s when we, um,” I felt my voice crack again and I despised myself for being so weak and not even being able to talk to the police without breaking down. 

“Okay,” the detective nodded, “okay, that’s all we need for now. You can leave now. Thank you for your cooperation. We will find out who did this.” 

I gave a curt nod, standing up from the table, pushing in my chair. I walked out of the room, returning to Cas, who stood with a blank expression in the lobby. We walked out, getting into Black Lightning and drove down the road. 

The thing about relationships is that it’s not perfect at all. Everyone describes everything with their boyfriend or girlfriend as perfect and the best thing ever and really, Cas and I now were a huge mess, our best friend had been murdered, he kept secrets from me, and he seemed to be drifting off, as if he knew something important that I didn’t know about Charlie’s death. He was always so secretive about some things and I felt as if I was never going to be able to know him as well as he knew me. But being in love was a very complicated thing, and a thought at the back of my mind told me that Cas would never need me as much as I needed him. I stared out the window as Cas drove, silence between us because there was nothing else left to say. Cas ran his hands through his hair again as he messed with the front piece of his hair. 

“Why do you do that?” I finally asked. 

“Do what?” Cas stared out on to the road, looking deep in thought. 

“Mess with your hair like that? Like how you mess with the pieces in the front like that? Why do you do that?” I asked. 

“I don’t know,” he shrugged, “Just a habit, I guess.”

“Is smoking a habit?” I asked persistently.

“Smoking isn’t a habit. I already told you why I smoke. Everyone gets addicted to the things that takes the pain away.” Cas stared intently at the road.

I forced my eyes at the ground, staring as Cas continued to drive until we reached University again. 

“They got a new room for you,” he finally said as he parked the car, “It’s a single. They decided to not give you another roommate. It’s on the first floor with most of the juniors and seniors that don’t have apartments yet.” 

“Okay,” I said promptly, because that’s all I really could say. 

“They also said I could stay with you for my few days that I was off class to help you. The school therapist might also come to visit while I’m there. She’s really nice, though. Don’t worry.” Cas opened the driver side door, holding the keys in one hand. 

I opened my door, getting out and slamming it shut. I finally felt the anger flush through me as the hairs on the back of my neck stood up. I just stood there, crossing my arms as I felt my face get hot. Cas was already way ahead of me when he noticed that I had stopped. 

“What the hell!” I screamed, kicking a piece of garbage in the parking lot, “Why did they have to kill her? She was such a great person! She doesn’t deserve to be six feet underground for something that she didn’t even do anything to get!” 

“Dean, it’s okay,” Cas said in a soothing voice.

“No it’s not, Cas! No it’s fucking not!” I felt the anger flush up in my body, making me want to throw a punch at something, the frustration built up inside me, “Charlie is fucking dead, if you didn’t notice!” 

“She's in a better place now,” Cas said as he tried to calm me down. 

“Damn it, Cas, no, she isn't!” I sputtered, “And you know it! You just keep everything so bottled up inside with your destructive and risky behaviors, but you know it just as well as I do.” 

“Dean, I fucking know, okay! Everyone is so fucked up in this world and I know it sucks, okay? I’m trying so hard to pretend that it will all be okay when I fucking know it won’t and you keep breaking my cover and I hate that and it drives me crazy but I also love it so much because you keep me on my toes and tell me when I’m full of shit. I tried to protect you but then I failed and Charlie died because of it and I’m sorry. I’m so damn sorry.” Cas ran over to me, wrapping his arms around me.  
I pushed away, seeing the hurt expression in his eyes as he did, “Than why won’t you tell me so I can help you? Why do you have to be so stubborn and insist that I’ll get hurt when I try to get closer? Why do you push me away so much? What are you trying to hide that will hurt me more than Charlie’s death hurt me? Why won’t you open up to me? Why won’t you open up to anyone?” 

“Because I love you!” he said finally, “Because I love you and I know we’ve only been dating you for about two days but I’ve been in love with you the day we met and I made a promise that I would never tell you so you wouldn’t have to get you involved with my mess of a life because I am so much more fucked up than you know and most people would just accept that I don’t want to talk about my shit but you’re different in that way and I love that but I also hate it, and when you read me that book and I heard about the labyrinth of suffering and that you must forgive to get out, I knew it would be impossible to forgive myself for what I’ve done and it will be more than impossible for you to forgive me.” 

I stared at him, confused as he let out a puff of air. Silence rippled between us for a few moments before he finally sighed and pulled out his box of cigarettes. 

“I need a cig. You can go in.” he pulled a lighter out of his pocket as he shook his head, pulling on of the cigarettes out of the box. 

“Give me one, too?” I asked, putting my hand out for one. 

“There is no fucking way am I going to let you get addicted to something that will ruin your life.” Cas said as he put the cigarette in the side of his mouth. 

“Then why do you do it to yourself?” I asked, huffing. 

“I hate myself more than I could ever hate you.” He said after a moment of thinking, lighting the cigarette and breathing out the smoke.


	8. eight

It froze almost automatically as it hit the air, a white cloud of suffering and sadness in the cold November sky. The smoke still smelled awful to me, but to him it must’ve been like smelling just a bit of heaven in a world of hell. 

He walked me to my new dorm room, a drawer already in the room. My old laptop sat on my new bed, but that was about it. I opened the drawers, seeing new clothes in them. Cas stood in the doorway, watching me as I opened them. 

“Cas…whose clothes are these?” I asked. 

“Yours,” he said, a smile poking at the side of his mouth.

“No they aren’t,” I shook my head, looking at the unfamiliar clothes. 

“I bought you new ones,” he revealed, “The police wouldn’t let me into your dorm room after I called the cops. I was able to grab your laptop though.” He pointed to my laptop that rested on my bed.

“You bought me new clothes?” I asked, “Why? You didn’t have to.” 

“I needed to buy them for you,” Cas leaned on the doorframe and I imagined that maybe if the circumstances were different and we had met and fallen in love and Cas didn’t hide half of himself from me and Charlie hadn’t died. “I guessed what you would like. I hope you like them.” 

I walked back over to him, hugging him, burying my head under his chin.

“Thank you,” I whispered, gripping him so tight that I never thought I would let go. 

“You’re welcome,” he kissed my forehead and slowly let go as I sat down on the bed. 

“I’m very tired,” I commented, lying down on the bed. 

“Do you want me to leave so you can get some sleep?” he asked as he took a step closer. 

“No,” I shook my head, “No. Will you stay with me?” 

“Of course,” he nodded, walking forward as he took off his shoes, lying down on the bed. I took mine off as I lay on my side, Cas curling up on the outside of me.   
We just lay there, and then I really took notice of Cas’ scent, a sugary caramel apple like smell with just a hint of cinnamon. He had his arm wrapped around me, holding me close as my mind raced. His breaths slowed as I felt mine begin to slow, my mind finally relaxing as I dismissed my thoughts. I closed my eyes, finally losing myself into sleep. 

I woke in a dark room, once again. I felt the hairs stand up on the back of my neck as the room temperature dropped about ten degrees. Shivering with fear, I heard a scratching noise as I saw a figure dragging itself around through the darkness. A bright spotlight shined on me as the figure scurried across the floor. I clenched my fists as I stared nervously into the darkness. The figure crawled out of the darkness and I immediately identified her as Charlie. 

“Charlie,” I said breathlessly, seeing her eyes which looked like they had been burned out of her face. Blood spilled out of the large wounds in her face. 

“Oh, Dean,” she said, holding a roll of duct tape as she snapped her fingers and I was sitting in a chair. Kneeing me, I struggled against her grip as she wrapped the tape around the chair and I. She taped my hands, arms and legs to the chair. 

Screaming, I felt the tears burn in my eyes as I struggled against the chair.

“You can scream,” she paused to hiss in my ear, “little bitch.”

I stopped screaming, my blood chilling as Charlie pulled away. 

“Good girl, Deanna,” she hissed, “Very good girl.” 

I flinched at her words. Good girl, Deanna. 

“You were daddy’s perfect little soldier, the perfect rule follower, obeying his every word,” Charlie narrowed her eyes, messing with an object in her pocket, “Until you betrayed him.” 

She revealed the object in her hand as I sucked in air. The smooth steel blade reflected in the light as Charlie turned around, cleaning it off before turning back to me, gripping the knife tightly in one hand as she wiped away the tears that were just beginning to form in my eyes. 

“First I’m going to slice up your forehead, tracing all of your little wrinkles. Next I’m going to cut up your arms and then your legs. After that, I’m going to cut out your tongue and lastly your eyes so you can see everything before I kill you.” Charlie murmured, running her fingers down my face. 

She leaned in really close before I spat at her, hitting her right in the face. She stepped back, wiping my spit off her face as I glared at her. 

“I’m going to adore your screams,” she growled, gripping the knife, “You pretty little bitch.” 

The knife cut into my forehead like cutting into butter as the pain rippled throughout my body, making me want to scream out as I bit my tongue. I felt the blood in my mouth as she carved into the soft skin right underneath my eyes. I screamed, clenching my teeth as I whipped my head back. 

“Dean!” I felt Cas’ strong hands grip my shoulders, shaking me as I stopped screaming out in my sleep, “It’s not real. It’s a dream. You’re only dreaming.” 

“Sorry,” I apologized as he wiped the tears from my eyes, “I’m sorry I woke you up.” 

“Its fine,” Cas said, sitting at the edge of the bed, “you’re not a burden.”

I sat up, pushing my hair back as I rubbed underneath my eyes, drowsy. The image of Charlie burned into my brain as I felt the hairs standing up on the back of my neck. Cas bit his lip as he pointed towards the door. 

“I’m going to go get us some dinner,” Cas stared back at me, “What would you like for dinner?” 

“Uh, whatever you would like to have,” I bit my lip as I curled up into a ball, hugging my knees. 

“Okay,” Cas messed with the hairs on top of his head, twisting them, “How does ordering a pizza sound?” 

“That sounds perfect,” I swallowed hard as Cas got up, walking to the window as he dialed the pizza place number. 

The pizza came about an hour later at about five pm. I shivered as the pizza man opened the door, introducing himself as Alfie. Cas paid for it as he placed it on my bed, pulling out his phone and his ear buds. He took paper plates off the dresser, placing a slice on each as he lay down on my bed, plugging the ear buds into his phone as he patted the space next to him. I lay down, grabbing the piece of pizza and biting into it. He gave me an ear bud, playing a song of some kind. I closed my eyes, savoring the moment as he intertwines his fingers with mine. 

I couldn’t help but imagine what Charlie would say if she saw us together like this.

A few days passed, Cas beginning to leave again every night and he had to go back to class, leaving me alone. I sat on my bed, typing into my laptop as I heard a knock at the door. 

“Hello? Deanna? Are you in there?” I heard a middle aged woman’s voice. 

“Yes,” I said as I got up to open the door. 

Twisting the knob, I saw a woman with tired looking eyes, obviously dyed blonde hair, a white blouse and a deep purple broomstick skirt. I bit my lip nervously as she nodded at me. 

“Hello Deanna, I’m the school therapist, Donna. I was wondering if you’d like to have a nice talk, especially after your roommate, Charlie Bradbury, was murdered last Saturday.” Donna faked a smile

“Okay,” I swallowed hard as I felt my windpipe shrink smaller than the size of a pinhole.

“Her funeral and candlelight vigil will be held this weekend. Castiel was supposed to tell you, but he is busy with his classes, so he may not be able to right now,” Donna walked into the room, sitting down on the second bed as she stared back at me. I sat down on my own. 

“Okay,” I said again, because that’s all I really could say. 

“So, Deanna, I assume you’ve already been poked and prodded enough with questions about your roommate, Charlie Bradbury, but I want to know how you feel about this whole thing, and not about just Charlie.” Donna folded her hands in her lap. 

“It’s just tragic,” I partially lied, “She was very nice and I wish I knew why someone could do that to her. I feel kind of sad, but I’m okay otherwise.”

“Good, good,” Donna said a fake smile plastered on her face, “I’m glad to hear you’re doing okay. I promise you, we will find out who did this. If you ever need to visit me, I’ll be in my office.”   
“Okay,” I fake smiled back at her as she went to the door, leaving. The door shut after her and I lay down on my bed and just crumbled as if I were a pastry. 

The weekend finally came around and I found myself staring at my reflection in the mirror as I got changed for Charlie’s funeral. I unbuttoned the flannel Cas had bought me and buttoned up the dress shirt Cas had bought me. Folding the tie, I tightened it to my neck. Pulling on the dress pants, I buckled the belt around my waist, continuing to stare at my reflection in the mirror. I rubbed underneath my eyes, my exhaustion obvious as my eye bags showed clearly. I had been sleeping restlessly ever since Charlie’s death, having nightmares every night ever since. The first few had been of her hurting me but they slowly morphed into a shadowy figure pointing a gun at her as she screamed until they went to the shadowy figure killing Cas. I scratched the back of my head as I ran my fingers through my hair. Oh well, no one was supposed to look good at a funeral anyways. 

When I had attended my mother’s funeral, it was the first time I’d ever seen my father cry. Sammy sat in a stroller, crying as I held an umbrella over it. My mom had been the one who sang ‘Hey Jude’ by The Beatles as a lullaby, who fed me tomato soup when I was sick, and even cut the crust off my peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. I had loved her so much but she ended up dying in that house fire, reduced to ashes buried six feet underground. It was unfair that Charlie and my mother ended up dying when they were so kind and lovely. 

I picked up my candle and my Eulogy from the dresser. Cas had called Charlie’s parents in advance, letting me have a slot to speak at her funeral. I jotted down only a few words and I decided that I was just going to wing it for the rest of the eulogy. I hadn’t spoken at my mother’s funeral and I hadn’t been to a funeral ever since my mom died. My hands shook as I stared into the mirror, wiping away the tears that formed in my eyes. 

I heard a knock at the door, knowing immediately that it was Cas. He was the one who had to bring me to Charlie’s funeral. This was not a day I thought I would ever be seeing, but here I was, giving one last glance at my funeral suit Cas had bought me in the mirror, feeling unable to breathe, especially with my binder on. I open the door, seeing Cas’ solemn face as he stares at me. 

“You look like shit,” he comments, “I’m not going to lie to you. When was the last time you got sleep?” 

“It’s been a long time,” I rubbed at my eyes, blinking a few times, “I just keep having nightmares.” 

“Are they about Charlie?” Cas asked.

“Yeah,” I nodded, biting my lip. 

“I normally get nightmares too. They aren’t really about Charlie.” Cas shook his head, “Let’s go.” 

I nodded, digging through my pocket to make sure I had my dorm room key. Cas led the way down the hallway, walking as I followed behind closely. He opened the doors, walking down the sidewalk on a sunny Saturday. Whenever you see a movie, the person’s funeral is always on a miserable, gloomy day that rained and here was Charlie’s funeral, a sunny, bright cheerful day but still a bit chilly. The sun shone on my head as I walked to Black Lightning. Cas started up the engine and we drove down the road in silence. 

“Have you ever been to a funeral, Cas?” I asked, feeling sad but so numb that I couldn’t cry yet.

“Yeah,” he shrugged, continuing to drive. 

I continued to stare out the window for the rest of the drive. We finally pulled up to the park they decided to bury Charlie at about 8pm. I stared out the window as people pulled up to the park, people playing as I saw the trees and a coffin sitting out in the middle of them. At least I got to see her one last time before they laid her down into the ground and everyone was just supposed to forget about her and move on. 

“Are you ready?” Cas asked reaching for my hand as he lightly brushed his thumb across my knuckles.

“I’ll never be ready to see one of my best friends that I’ve ever had be buried,” I shook my head.

“Me neither,” he stared into my eyes, his with a blank and depressed faraway glance. 

He let go of my hand, turning off the engine and getting out of the car. As I got out of the car, he laced his fingers in between mine, squeezing tightly as I bit my lip again. He was messing with the hairs in the front more than ever now and I reminded him not to. We walked up to the area, seeing the side of the coffin as I stared. Going around the other side, all I could see of her was nothing. Her coffin was closed. I felt the panic rising in my chest once again as I gave a panicked look to Cas.

“Why is her coffin closed?” I asked my voice tight as my esophagus felt like it had shrunk to the size of a pinhole, “I wanted to see her one last time; why is it closed?”   
I covered my mouth with my hand, feeling like I was falling apart as my chest ached. Cas gripped my hand tighter, pulling me close to him as I shuddered, unable to cry anymore. He gave a quick kiss to my forehead as he pulled a small object out of his pocket and placed it on her coffin. I looked at it, quickly identifying it as a small photo of them at an amusement park, wearing matching neon green bandannas. They smiled so bright together and seeing Charlie was such an awful thing because I knew that I would have to let go and I didn’t want to but I was slowly letting go of her. 

Her funeral was so damn depressing and I knew she would’ve hated it. She probably wanted her body burned into ashes and placed into a firework and set off during the night as people marveled at her beauty one last time and she could truly go out with a bang as “Thanks for the Memories” blasted so loud in the background that people would go home half deaf. Her funeral was so damn depressing and as her mother, carrying an oxygen tank with the same red hair Charlie had and pale skin from having lung cancer, stood up at the altar to read her Eulogy I held Cas’ hand so tight I felt like I was going to lose circulation as the tears slowly streaked down my face. I was surrounded by her family members who were crying and Cas and I just stood. When it was my turn to speak, I stood up on the stage and unfolded my piece of paper as I stared at it, then staring back at the audience that wiped their eyes and looked at me expectantly. I shook my head, biting my lip as I grabbed the microphone and stared at Charlie’s parents. 

“I’m sorry,” I choked out because there wasn’t else I could say.

I felt my whole body shake as everyone continued to stare at me. 

“I have so much to say about Charlie, but I think I’ll give that the honor of dying with her, as it should. Some things are just better left unsaid.” I shook so hard that my voice was barely audible. 

Placing the microphone down, I left the altar and ran back into Cas’ arms, shaking and crying. Staring back up at him, he wrapped his arms around me as I closed my eyes, wrapping my arms around him tight. Someone new went up to the altar, reading their boring, obviously prepared speech about Charlie, saying how she was the best person to live and it was a shame that she died young. Cas let me go after they stopped talking, walking up to the altar and grabbing the microphone. 

“My name is Castiel Novak. I was Charlie’s best friend. Instead of gushing about how she was always the most amazing person in the world, I’m going to be real. Charlie was both a good person and a bad person. Charlie was nice and kind and open, but it lead her to be emotional, clingy, and struggle to deal with loneliness. But that’s the thing about people. We are all so flawed, saying we’re all different and special in our own ways when really; it’s not like that at all. We are fragile, all selfish and hopelessly lost in this universe, uselessly peeing on the same branch just to make sure we are remembered. Charlie is definitely remembered by many. When people die, we also always seem to forget about how they really were; only remembering the distorted image of them that we form in our minds. The distorted image of the person often keeps you happy and dumb, remembering all the good things about a person building up a sense of security and love for the lost person as you let go of them. In the end we are all forced to let go and it hurts so much to leave behind the distorted image of the person you have fallen in love with. I will always cherish the distorted image of Charlie, as will you. Rest in peace Charlie, I will miss you. You didn’t deserve to get murdered. After all, sometimes really horrible things happen to really amazing people.” Cas stared into the audience with his icy blue eyes, making me shiver as I stared at him.

I saw his eyes get watery but he quickly blinked them away, not letting a single tear drop down his face. He cleared his throat and left the altar, placing the microphone back down. Everyone in the crowd stared at him due to his odd choice of speech but I loved it. He was so intelligent and no one really gave him credit for it. As I stared back at Charlie’s coffin, I covered my mouth, latching back on to Cas as we walked back over to me. I felt so small in that moment, a cowering small child against a stronger, bigger kid who was reckless and never worried about anything. 

The rest of the funeral was so damn depressing. I wanted to crumble into Cas and just go home where I could lie on my bed for a few hours thinking about how I could’ve saved Charlie or prevented her death and daydream about who could’ve killed a girl like her. How did it even feel to kill anyone? How could you ruthlessly tie someone down to the chair and aim a gun at their forehead as they cried for them to stop it, pleaded for them to stop? How could you press the trigger and let the bullet fly into their forehead with a sickening spray of blood as they bled out from their mouth and nose? How could you be so evil to just crawl through the window and escape like that? How could you just leave their lifeless body?


	9. nine

Cas opened Black Lightning’s door, letting me in as he got into the driver’s side. I didn’t feel like crying anymore; I was just too tired. Leaning back in the seat, I felt so tired but so unable to sleep. Cas drove down the road without a word to me and sometimes, I guess that was just better than talking to him all the time. As soon as we reached back to the collage, I shivered, getting out of Black Lightning. 

“Do you want me to stay with you?” he asked through the now dark sky.

I swallowed, wanting him but knowing that he probably wanted to go home.

“No, its okay, you can go home. Get some rest.” I nodded as he got out of the car, rushing to hug me.

He embraced his arms around me as he kissed me forehead. 

“Please don’t hurt yourself,” He whispered in my ear. 

“I love you,” I bit my lip, feeling the tears prickle in my eyes; “I love you.” 

“I know,” He pulled away slowly as he went back to Black Lightning. 

I began to walk down the path back to the dorm rooms, exhausted as I crossed my arms across my chest. Sighing, I tried to just breathe but I felt my chest cramped by all the worries and scared thoughts running through my body. I saw five guys wearing black hoodies near the garden as I worried that they would approach me. Walking faster, the appeared to get closer and I just kept trying to walk faster subtly as they finally approached me. One of the few shoved me as I tried to stay on my feet, struggling against them. 

“Hold her,” I flinched as one of the five guys grabbed my arms. 

I kicked one of them desperately, trying to get away as they moved around me closer. The main one stepped into the middle of the circle as I tried to get a glance of his face but he was wearing a mask. He pulled out a small blade, holding it to my throat.

“If you scream, you die,” he hissed his warning as I held my scream in my throat. 

I nodded sharply.

“Well, one of us,” I looked around, seeing masks on all of their faces that made me shiver, “saw that there was a girl that looked like a boy in one of our classes. And at first, we thought you were just a dyke, but then we found out you were a tranny.” 

He pulled the blade away from my throat.

“What’s even better is that we know that you’re a little slut and you suck dick,” He sneered as I felt helpless. 

Paralyzed, I gritted my teeth as he took my shirt in his hand, breathing hard in my face as I sucked in a breath of air. His breath smelt disgusting, something between cigarette smoke and tar. 

“I’m going to rid the Earth of your kind, one tranny whore at a time.” He backed up, punching me in the stomach as I gritted my teeth, taking the pain.   
The worst part is that they weren’t all that different from my father, John, who hit me with the belt, except I wasn’t held back and I knew that if I ran I would get a fate more worse than death. It’s quite funny how so many people think death is the worst thing that can happen to a person and then all of a sudden everything changes and life itself becomes one of the worst things that can happen. 

“You’re a girl, a skanky, disgusting whore who sucks dick for money. All you’ll ever be is a girl, Deanna, so stop trying to be someone else. You deserve to die, but in a much better way than here in a gross college park.” His words were like venom as I bit my lip hard, bracing myself as he kicked me in the ribs. 

I almost wished Cas was here, but I wouldn’t want to bring him into this, letting him watch me get beat up by a bunch of other guys. 

“Let her go,” he turned around, “Don’t worry, we’ll definitely be back. Remember, if you tell anyone, we’ll kill you.”

I felt my wrists and arms get released as I fell to the ground, wanting to cry but instead picking myself up with my aching stomach and ribs and limping back to my dorm room. I unlocked the door as I fell on my bed, instantly falling asleep without the endless pondering I usually did. It was so exhausting just to lie there and I wished that when I woke up that I was saved. 

People always sprout a load of bullshit about how they were saved by their significant other and how they pulled them out of depression and stuff but honestly I don’t believe in that stuff. Cas is always there for me and is possibly one of the best listeners but he is shitty at talking about himself. The thing about Cas is that he’s so stubborn that it can be difficult to convince him otherwise. You may be thinking, wow, Cas surely saved Dean but the thing is that people only help you in saving yourself. Only you can fix yourself. I don’t know why I began to think about that but it just happened, just like I fell for Cas. 

Cas wasn’t just my superhero amazing guy either. He was fucked up and I was fucked up so it made it semi okay but he wasn’t good at telling me things, he’s stubborn, and he seemed to love so much but had such a heart that he seemed afraid to let anyone in, especially for a reason I didn’t know. He tried to distract me from it, keep me from finding out the truth but the thing was that I was so curious about him and he seemed so intelligent and kind on the inside but only let it show to a few people. Cas, himself, was an acquired taste as some people say. He could come off as bitchy or moody and to be honest he was a bit sometimes, but then again, wasn’t everyone? What was someone without their flaws? 

I woke that morning gasping from another nightmare of the murderer carving up Cas and forcing me to watch every minute and at the end I saw the guys who jumped me earlier. It hit me then with the pain of the punches and the kick to the ribs as I clutched my chest. I didn’t want to put my binder back on in case it made things worse and I almost didn’t want to see Cas today. I didn’t want him to come to this dorm room and find out about me getting hurt. I didn’t want to leave my dorm just in case they would get me again. I lay back on my bed and thought about how his face would turn as he had in the car when he saw what my dad did to my back.   
I lay on my side before forcing myself to get out of bed. It was a Sunday and basically the only thing I did on Sundays was lay around and sometimes type. I pulled off my shirt, pulling my binder on over my head and taking a deep breath as it pushed on my bruised ribs. I coughed, trying to rattle my chest so I could breathe easier. Pulling on the red flannel Cas bought me, I crossed my arms. I pulled on a pair of jeans and sat down on the bed. Pulling my legs in to my chest I heard a knock at the door and knew immediately that it was Cas. I wiped the fatigue from my eyes as I hopped up to open the door. I opened it, Cas half smiling as I stared at him from the door way. 

“Hey,” he smiled as he walked in, letting me close the door behind him. 

“Hey,” I immediately embraced him in a hug as he wrapped his arms around me. 

I stood on my tip toes, placed my head on his shoulder and we just stood there for a minute as I smelled the faint scent of cigarette smoke on his black leather jacket. I used to absolutely hate how he smoked and I had just come to terms with it now. Cas backed up a little before placing his chin to my forehead. He leaned his head down, giving a quick glance into my eyes as if to ask if it was okay. Pressing his lips to my neck, he kissed it gently, trailing down as I let him do it. He reached my collarbone when I flinched, not wanting him to see my breasts. He stopped sharply, apologizing and giving me a quick kiss on the lips. 

“Why are you here?” I asked, “Because it sure as hell isn’t just to kiss me.” 

“I decided that I would come over to see you today to make sure you were okay, which I knew you probably weren’t going to be and it appears I am right and also to take you to breakfast so we can talk about what’s going on.” Cas placed his hands on my waist as I brushed against his nose with my own. 

“I have one question. Why have you been so nice lately, starting when you took me out on that date before Charlie was murdered?” I interrogated as I pushed my nose back and stared into his icy blue eyes. 

“Dean, I know you’re confused and upset but the thing is that when I first met you and I was a bit sharp seeming, it was all because I immediately liked you and wanted to keep you safe from me, so I tried to ward you off but you seemed to have other plans and I was so stupid to go to your dorm room drunk that night and my brain wasn’t working right and all I knew is that I wanted you and I forgot the consequences and I just love you so much okay? I’ve already lost Charlie and I love you so much and it’s like I can’t even put it into words because it’s like the thrill of flying down on a roller coaster and it’s so breathtaking and I wish we could’ve met on different circumstances and I was immediately open and I hadn’t done such awful things that I can’t hide from now and Charlie hadn’t died and everything would’ve been like a normal love story where everything ended up okay.” Cas sighed as he shook his head, seeming so angry and sad and powerful at the same time, “The reason why I’ve been so nice to you is because I have nothing left in this damn cruel world except for you. I should be dead, but somehow I’m not and I don’t know why. I know you want to know why I keep trying to run away and I keep saying how my past is shitty and dangerous and nothing seems to make sense around me but don’t ask around about me. Whatever you do, don’t risk yourself to try to find out about me.” 

I nodded but all I could think about was the guys who had jumped me as I was walking home and I don’t know why but a suspicion rose deep inside of me and for some reason I tried to link them to Cas and I thought maybe they knew something about him and I couldn’t help but wonder if I could get some information about him from them. I tried to shake the thought from my mind but it kept coming back again and again as Cas hugged me again. 

“What about breakfast, huh, Dean?” Cas asked as he took off his leather jacket and gave it to me to wear. 

We ended up deciding on going to the café in the lobby and getting coffees, his with one sugar packet and mine with no cream or sugar because I drank mine black. Cas grimaced at my black coffee, asking how I could drink it that way and I just shrugged because I’d always drank mine black and there was no real reason other than growing up poor. We spent most of the day out window shopping, just kind of looking at things and not buying anything. We spent most of our time in a brain games store playing with kinetic sand but I knew the truth why he was taking me out today. He was just trying to keep Charlie off my mind. I bit my lip as I shook the thought from my head. 

We returned late from the restaurant Cas chose for dinner. It was a small place that he said he used to work at before he got fired for smoking. He pulled up to college and asked again if I wanted him to walk me to my dorm room. I shook my head as he leaned across the seat, kissing me. I kissed back as I ran my hand through his hair. He still tasted like chocolate from the cake we got as dessert with the sweet hint of caramel apples and cinnamon and the small hint of cigarettes. He pulled away slowly as he kissed my forehead. 

“Stay safe, okay? Don’t hurt yourself. I love you.” He nodded, looking faintly worried as I smiled, kissing his cheek before getting out of Black Lightning. 

I began to walk down the path again as I spotted the masked guys creep out of the shadows, and I was still terrified of them but I knew I had to find out about Cas.

They quickly seized me as the leader walked in front of me again, wearing the same mask as the night before. 

“Wait!” I said, almost choking as he wound up for a hit, “Wait.” 

“Why should I?” the leader sneered as he folded his arms. 

“I need to know something about someone,” I bit my lip as I betrayed Cas; “I need to learn about Castiel Novak.” 

The leader chuckled as he stared at my panicked face, “Castiel Novak? Why would I give information about Castiel Novak to you? You little bitch.” 

“I’ll pay for it,” I nodded, swallowing hard. 

“How do you even know that we have information on Novak?” He hissed as he punched me in the side. 

I coughed, “Do you have any information?” 

“Hell yeah, we have information on that son of a bitch.” The leader hissed, “But it’s worth a lot more than you have. Why do you need it anyways?” 

“I’m Castiel’s boyfriend,” I said bravely as the leader laughed. 

“You’re Castiel’s little bitch?” he laughed threateningly as I froze, realizing what I had said, “You’re Castiel Novak’s girlfriend? Damn, I thought he would be able to land someone way less pathetic than you. You’re a disgusting ugly ass bitch. I should kill you for dating him. I should kill you for just being here but I guess I’m a nice guy.” 

I grinded my teeth as he kicked me in the stomach, throwing me on the ground. 

“If you want to know about Castiel Novak, I need 10,000 dollars. If you don’t have 10,000 then you will never find it out and more people mysteriously die.” He hissed and it suddenly clicked in my head. 

“You killed Charlie?” I choked as he kicked me in the ribs. 

“She’s only the beginning of it all,” he growled as I sucked in air, “And if any of it gets spilled to the police, Cas may go missing for a few days and then later be found dead on the side of a road in a trash bag smeared in his own blood. Tell him Satan’s coming to get him.” 

He kicked me again before running off. I bit my nails as I picked myself up off the ground, walking back slowly to my dorm room with my thoughts racing and my sides aching as I limped down the hallway and opened the door. I pulled off Cas’ leather jacket, my flannel shirt, my binder, and my pants and just fell on to my bed, wrapping myself in a warm blanket as I opened my laptop and began writing again. I couldn’t go to sleep now, I was so exhausted and had nowhere to go and my thoughts raced around my head and it was such a delirium that I couldn’t even think and I was just so damn scared and wanted answers but I knew it wouldn’t be easy to get them. I needed ten thousand dollars and there was the impending doom of someone else dying and I knew I had to keep safe but also keep Cas safe and I felt as if now I had made those two things completely impossible and when Cas found out what I had done, he would hate me forever and nothing would ever be the same again. I wanted to badly just to wrap my arms around him no, but I didn’t want him to know how he had hurt me, or rather how I had hurt myself. I finally finished the section I had written and just laid in my bed staring at the ceiling. Finding out just who Cas really truly is was so much harder than I had ever thought. I wanted him to just tell me but as stubborn as he is, I knew I could hardly get a word out of him except for a warning to not get too close to him.

I woke up the next morning and went to class mindlessly, everyone asking if I was okay and saying bullshit about how Charlie was in a better place and how she was watching over me in heaven when I really felt nothing at all and it all just felt like a cold growing emptiness. Cas didn’t visit until Thursday when he came with a pizza in his hands and a soft smile. We fell asleep together again listening to music on my bed and he left to go to class just a little bit before I did and I felt like skipping the day of school but he persuaded me to go anyways. I didn’t really feel like doing anything these days and I knew I had to get the damn money that was looming over me and the masked men taped notes to me door every day I returned home from class and I quickly hid them to make sure Cas wouldn’t find them and get hurt. I got back to my dorm on Friday, just less than a week before Thanksgiving break when I saw a note taped to my door saying “got my money yet, bitch-chester?” I bit my lip as I folded it, opening my door and hiding it in my dresser along with the other notes as I flopped down on my bed as I shivered. I wanted to run away but I knew I had nowhere to run to. I had to get the money somehow but then again what did I really even want? 

Cas came later that night, just laying his head in my lap as I sat there. 

“You look like you’re really deep in thought,” Cas stated as I stared off into space. 

“I very often am,” I shrugged as I stared at the wall.

“How about you share some of the thoughts?” He asked as he looked up at me. 

“I don’t know…” I trailed off unsurely. 

“Come on Dean,” he blinked, shifting his head in my lap.

“Well it’s mostly about you. You’ve looked so exhausted lately and I just want to know more about you and get closer to you but you keep pushing me away and being hypocritical. It’s getting quite annoying, actually.” I sighed, releasing the weight off my chest, “Sorry.” 

Cas just stared into space with no reply as I continued staring. 

“What are you doing for Thanksgiving?” he said after a long wait. 

“Giving thanks for the things I still have,” I shrugged as my throat felt tight, “How about you?” 

“Cursing at the damn world for giving so much shit I can’t deal with and thanking it for you at the same time,” Cas lowered his voice to a hush whisper as he stared up at me, “I know that sounds selfish.” 

“That sounds almost kind of melodramatic. Sorry for being hypocritical but it does.” I said expressionlessly. 

“I know.” 

"Thanks."


	10. ten

The weekend seemed to drag on by as I spent most of the days just staring at Cas, wishing for something to just poof from the sky and hand me the money but I knew there was no sort of magic that could save me from the damn mess I had tossed my dirty rag of a body into. Suddenly it was Saturday night again and Cas had already made plans to go to the Galaxy Bar and hang out with some friends. He kissed me goodbye and told me he would be back later into the night.   
I snuck out of my dorm about thirty minutes after he’d left, walking down the hallway. It was about ten o’clock and normal people might be more worried that Cas would cheat on them but I had much larger issues than Cas cheating on me, like dying. I knew it was wrong what I was doing but I was in too far to go back and I wished I hadn’t started because I knew it would never end. 

As I walked down the path I quickly spotted the group of masked guys again, still feeling the buzz of fear but less than before. I shivered as they approached me again. 

“We don’t really have to seize you anymore, do we?” the leader shook his head as I shrugged, “It’s a lot of effort and I know you aren’t going to run because you need something from me and if you tell the police anything your little Cassie ends up carved up.” 

I swallowed hard at the thought of finding Cas dead. 

“I-I don’t have the money yet,” I stuttered, “But-but I’d like to know if I could offer you something else.” 

“Go on,” the leader snarled. 

“You can do whatever you want to me,” I bit my lip, “For as long as you want for payment instead of ten thousand dollars.”

“Aw the little whore-chester wants me to fuck her for money. Not the first time you’ve done that huh, you little bitch?” He snapped at me, “The answer is no. I need the damn money. You’re so pathetic I almost feel bad for you. Just kidding! I don’t feel bad for anyone.” 

“You murdered Charlie and you don’t feel bad about it? What the fuck?” I raised my voice as he shushes me. 

“I didn’t kill her,” he lowered his voice to a whisper, “But one of us did.” 

“What the hell is your mission anyways?” I asked in the same hushed whisper he did. 

“The thing about Charlie is that you didn’t know her at all. Charlie was a filthy little drug addicted whore. Charlie couldn’t make it through the weeks without a little crack to keep her going on.” He shrugged his shoulders as I shrunk back in shock. 

“Charlie was a crack cocaine addict?” I asked, shaking my head furiously, “No she couldn’t have been. There’s no way she could have been a crack addict.”   
“What did you think she was doing with her little girlfriend Jo Harvelle? It sure as hell wasn’t dining out in a fancy restaurant. They were at the Galaxy Bar, where you truly see the stars. Where we are headed off to right now.” The leader gave one last glance at me before running away and he turned around, halfway to the parking lot, shouting, “Remember the number one rule!” 

I was so tempted to call the police in that moment but I knew that I wouldn’t be able the handle Cas dying and the thought of kissing his cold lips after he died chilled me enough to the core that the thought of calling the cops was completely out of hand. They hadn’t hit me that time but I still felt so hurt and I hoped that whomever had killed Charlie in that group didn’t kill anyone else but I knew that hope was probably so naïve and I could wish and hope and dream on every star but nothing would ever seem to become right in the world no matter how hard you prayed. 

I felt so exhausted from everything, just walking back to my dorm room with my head down made me feel like just laying there and falling asleep. I finally walked into my dorm and collapsed on my bed again, falling asleep almost immediately, having given up. There was no way I could ever make ten thousand dollars. My dad never had that much money to spend, and I didn’t have a job due to all my homework and no car issue. 

It was 3am when I heard a banging knock at the door and I hopped up from my bed, opening it to see a wild eyed Cas chewing on a nail. 

“They killed her,” He was practically falling backwards in horror as he ran his hands through his hair, pulling on the front stands.

“They killed who?” I asked, now sharing the same horror as he had. 

“They murdered Jo Harvelle.” He shivered as I noticed the blood smear on his shirt. 

I immediately let him in as he sat on my bed. 

“They have no idea who it was. All we know is that I was sitting there having my drink at Galaxy Bar and then I heard a gunshot and everyone started running and screaming and the horrific calls of ‘Jo!’ until the bartender, one of my best friends, Benny, told me to crawl out the secret hatch because I was underage before the cops arrived and arrested me. I got out and I couldn’t get back to my apartment so I just came here instead.” He huffed as he ran his hands through his hair.   
I was left speechless as Cas came over to my bed, lying next to me. 

“I just really need to get some sleep. I’m so tired I can’t even think straight.” He shook his head as I rolled over on my side and looked straight into Cas’ eyes.   
His eyes were icy blue like the sky right before it began to snow and I could smell the cigarette smoke on him. The snowflakes formed in his eyes and I kissed him gently, tasting the cigarettes. So there I was, pale faced and breathing in the snowflakes with the slight scent of cigarette smoke. I leaned in farther, deepening the kiss as I was just so glad that he was okay. I kissed him rougher, getting kissed rougher in return. It felt like fire, the tinder burning furiously as it sped up, the flames licking as the fire burned in my heart. He climbed on top of me, not breaking the kiss as he almost straddled me. We broke for a second as I sighed. 

“This is really fun, but I’m so damn tired.” I smirked as I recited the Looking for Alaska quote, “To be continued?” 

“To be continued,” he sighs as he rolled on to his side, wrapping his arms around me. 

He was so breathtaking but so confusing at the same time and I could never seem to figure him out but maybe that was the point. I fell asleep in his arms wondering what had happened that night and if anything would ever be the same again. I hoped he would be lying next to me when I woke, no abandoning me again like he’d done last time, leaving me all by myself and Charlie walking in. I was in so deep and there was no escape now and it really hit me then why Cas had warned me to keep my distance from him.

I woke to the sound of the bathroom door opening and seeing Cas walking out. I sat up, his lips immediately curved into a smile. 

“Good morning, sunshine,” he smiled at me as I noticed his hair was wet, wearing the same clothes as yesterday. 

“Did you take a shower?” I asked as he rubbed a towel on his thick ebony hair.

“Yeah, I just needed to clear my head and clean my body.” He shrugged as I nodded. 

“Do you want to go get breakfast so we can go talk?” I asked as Cas nodded, holding his car keys. 

We walked out to the parking lot, quickly finding Black Lightning as Cas drove down the road to a small coffee and breakfast shop called “Roast and Shine”. Cas ordered our coffees as I sat down at a table for two near a window. Cas returned with our coffees and we sat mostly in silence at the breakfast table. 

I wanted to ask him millions of questions but I just stared at him desperately with all of the questions balanced on my tongue but unable to open my mouth to speak. I just savored the strong taste of the coffee, the heat singeing my tongue slightly as my hands felt warm from the cup. Cas wore his black leather jacket and I wore my flannel with a brown leather jacket Cas had bought me the other day. I reached across the table and gripped his hand, feeling close to him. We ended up not talking much at all during breakfast and ended up back at the dorm with nothing to do and obvious tension between us. 

A few days passed and it was finally Tuesday, the first day we got off class for Thanksgiving. Cas came to my dorm and knocked on the dorm door, asking if I was doing anything for Thanksgiving. We mostly just stayed in the dorm room until Thursday, the whole college being very empty as everyone went home for Thanksgiving except for a few exchange students, me, and Castiel. On Thursday night, we went out and picked up Chinese takeout and picked up a bottle of that fizzy apple cider drink. We ate in Black Lightning on the side of the road, placing the fizzy apple drink into the cup holder in the center as we failed at using chopsticks to eat the tasty Chinese food. 

“We are a hot mess,” I shook my head slightly, chuckling as I realized what we were doing. 

Sammy and I never really had a good Thanksgiving because of our Dad, but we always tried to. We almost always got those TV dinner trays, so instead of heating it in the tray, we scooped everything out and placed it in platters at the center of the small table and scooped in our plates ourselves. Sammy would always laugh as I chugged from the bottle of sparkling apple juice our Dad would buy only for “Thanksgiving”. I still missed Sammy, but I just didn’t seem to need him anymore like I used to. I popped the top off of the fizzy apple drink, taking a swig as Cas stared at me. He chuckled as he watched me drink it, a noise I hadn’t heard him make in a long time. 

“I love you,” he said after a while. 

“I know,” I smiled as I kissed him. He tasted like Chinese food and sweet apples and cigarette smoke but damn it, it was one of the best kisses ever. 

Days went by after that, followed by weeks. Nothing was to be said about Charlie’s murder or Jo’s. The policemen said there were no fingerprints and no true clues that could tell us who murdered them. I wanted to cry because I knew one of the masked men had murdered Charlie and Jo and I knew that it was such a horrible thing not to tell the police anything but I knew that Cas would be killed and I probably could live without him but nothing would seem to have any purpose and it would just seem bleak and cold and not in the good way that sent shivers down my spine. I was lost in a snowflake and cigarette haze and I knew there was no way to escape and no way to fall out of love with the reckless Castiel I had grown to love so much. I wanted to throw my hands in the air in frustration and just give up and move to another town. 

Soon it was the day before Christmas break and Cas seemed to get very quiet and we would just hang out at my dorm room and tell each other stupid stories because we really didn’t need to go anywhere to have fun. Professor Mills told us we had to write a short story in between ten thousand and forty thousand words and turn it in before the end of March and I had no idea what I was going to write but I knew I must be good. I went back to my dorm room and Cas already lying next to my door crossing his arms. Most people were packing up and leaving but Cas and I just sat in the dorm room. 

Time just seemed to fly by so damn fast and before I knew it, it was two days before Christmas and I needed to buy Cas a gift but I was so poor. It was snowing outside when I left early that morning in my flannel and leather jacket with Charlie’s old scarf. I shivered as I folded my arms, my breath becoming visible as I huffed. Sighing, I walked down the side of the road holding the collection of money I’d been picking up off the ground ever since the beginning of November. I only had about twenty five dollars and no idea what to buy him. I just wanted to see a smile creasing up the side of his face, something I loved seeing from him but hadn’t seen in a while.

After reaching an art store, I decided on buying him some more ink for his tattoo gun and a pack of cigarettes. Pulling out my driver’s license seemed so foreign as I handed it to the cashier and in return I received my two bottles of India ink and the pack of cigarettes. Grabbing a box, I rushed out of the store as the frenzy of people buying last minute presents surrounded me. As I walked back to the dorm with the presents, I wished how I could buy him something more spectacular that would take his breath away like he took mine but it seemed like I wouldn’t be able to. Gifts that were spectacular were worth too much money for me to buy. I found an old box in my dorm and hid it in there until Christmas day. 

Cas came over on Christmas Eve night with a nicely wrapped box and I felt kind of guilty about the Ramen Noodle box I put his gift in as I pulled it out from under my bed and gave it to him. 

“I love you,” I told him as I handed him his gift.

“I love you too, Deanie.” He handed me my gift as we stared at each other. 

“Ready?” he asked as prepared to open his. 

“Ready,” I smiled as I touched the ribbon on the present. 

We opened them together and I was shocked as I opened the box to find a small flip phone inside of it. I opened the flip phone, inspecting it. My dad had taken my phone when he’d kicked me out so I hadn’t had one for a while. I watched as Cas’ eyes lit up as he opened his, holding the containers of ink and the pack of cigarettes. 

“I thought you hated it when I smoke,” he chuckled as I wrapped my arms around him. 

“It’s one of your favorite things,” I shrugged, “I can’t take that away from you.” 

“You’re my favorite thing,” he said in a husky whisper as he placed the presents down and put his hands on my hips. 

“Oh stop being such a romantic,” I giggled as I shoved him away playfully. 

“I don’t know,” he smiled as he pulled me close, “I can’t help falling in love with you.” 

“Don’t quote Elvis on me, you loser.” I grinned as he kissed me softly. 

Pulling away, he ran his hand through his hair again as he pulled me even closer. 

“Do you know how to dance?” he asked me.

I shook my head no as he took one of my hands and I felt electricity spark up my arm. I buzzed with excitement as he put the other hand on my waist. He took my other hand and placed it on his shoulder as he pressed our bodies together, pulling out his phone and playing a song that I hadn’t heard before. He stepped forwards, forcing me to take a step back and backwards and we began to step in a circle to the beat of the music. I rested my head on his shoulder as I felt every movement and wanted to stay like this forever. As the song finally ended, Cas shoved his arms under my legs and lifted me into the air bridal style, causing me to giggle like an idiot and in that moment I forgot about all the money and Charlie and Jo and I just lived in the moment with Cas without so much worrying. He slept that night so close to me as the snow fell gently outside, a beautiful white Christmas. 

It was about six am when Cas dragged me out of bed and brought me outside. The snowflakes rained down from the sky as I shivered and Cas ran out. The snowflakes made a kind of almost silent sound that was so aesthetic and peaceful and the snowflakes falling was so gorgeous and it all reminded me of Cas’ eyes and my love for him as we jumped around like idiots in the snow was so great that I knew my love for Cas couldn’t possibly be fading. 

“I LOVE YOU CASTIEL NOVAK!” I screamed out as loud as I could into the snowflakes and it nearly echoed in the frosty wind as my pale face turned pink. 

“I AM IN LOVE WITH YOU DEAN WINCHESTER!” Cas screamed out in return as he ran to me, swooping me up and holding me in the air by my waist. He twirled in a circle as he let me go and I wrapped my arms around him, sharing a cold kiss in the snow. We made snow angels and I just seemed to forget about everything for a while. 

He put me in such a dazed delirium and you can call me crazy but I loved it so much. When I was just four years old my mom had always warned me about dangerous drugs on the streets but she had never told me about the one with pale blue eyes, dark hair, and a steady heartbeat. Nothing seemed to be better than that moment, and I guess I was correct because it all went downhill from there. Everyone had just returned from school break when Cas had left a note at my door. 

“I’ll be out for a couple of days, I love you. Call me if you miss me.” The note read. 

I felt my breath catch in my throat.


	11. eleven

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> //SPOILER//  
> Smut Warning, so if you don't dig, skip the end.

I folded it as I unlocked the door to my dorm. I put my stuff inside as I read the note over and over again, rubbing at my eyes as I wondered where he was. He had changed a lot from the first day I had met him, but then again maybe it was that I knew him better now, not that he had changed. I sat down, pulling out my laptop and typing for my story more. I still hadn’t decided what I wanted to write for my Intro to Fiction class project. My head began to fill up with worries about Cas and I groaned in frustration as I grabbed my jacket from the wall and left the room. 

I walked down the empty sidewalk, hoping to not bump into the masked guys as I shivered from both the cold and fear, wringing my hands together. Seeing a figure in a black jacket move out of the snow, I froze in fear, only to see that he was alone this time. As he looked up at me with his mask, I saw that his posture had changed a lot and he looked so sad unlike the powerful one he held when he had hurt me. 

“Deanna,” I heard him hiss and I wanted to run from his voice but instead I just stood there as he approached me, “We need to talk.” 

“About what?” I felt my voice getting tight as he shoved his hands in his pockets. 

“I’m going to explain everything. You just have to trust me. Follow me.” He said softly. 

“Why should I trust you? All you ever did was beat the shit out of me.” I shook my head, backing away.

“Everything has changed now. Please, please just come with me you pathetic piece of shit or I’ll beat the shit out of you again.” He snapped at the end. 

“Okay,” I agreed as I followed him. 

We walked to his car, which was, compared to Black Lightning, a piece of trash. It smelled like cigarettes and something else which was just a little bit stronger that smelled kind of gross. A few minutes went by as we sat awkwardly in the car. There was no music on, so the stiff silence between us was enough to fill the space. We finally showed up at an abandoned-looking building and I was almost about to sprint off. 

“Welcome to Galaxy Bar.” He said as I looked at the small-looking store. It almost looked like an old restaurant, “so many illegal drugs that you truly see the stars. Open only on the weekends.” 

I shrugged as we walked in, the leader turning on the lights behind me. The Bar was pretty run down looking with a counter with assorted alcohols and then a section labeled “do not enter”. I felt my throat shrink to a size of a pinhole at the sight and the leader walked ahead of me, leading into one of the back rooms.   
He opened the door, letting me in as he turned on the light. There was a single table I took a seat at, folding my arms. The leader took a seat at the other side of the table. He reached for the mask, slowly pushing it off his face as I prepared myself to look into the cold-blooded eyes of Charlie’s murderer but instead saw the bloodshot, rubbed raw teary eyes of a guy my age. He had sandy colored hair and sad blue eyes that made my skin crawl. Charlie’s murderer was supposed to have completely black eyes and be a demonic psychopath and no emotions. 

“Just so you know, I did not kill Charlie and I did not kill Jo.” He stated, “That was Gabriel.” 

I remembered Gabriel, the boy who came to the door when I went to go see Cas with the impatient eyes and golden brown hair and a goofy seeming smile. He hadn’t seemed like a murderer and I tried to imagine him pointing a gun at Charlie who pleaded for him so stop as she cried, stuck to the chair. 

“I guess for this story to make sense, I’ll have to start from the very beginning.” He chewed on his fingernail as he sniffled. 

“Gabriel was just sixteen years old when he started his drug problem. He was at school and he got on some pills, Xanax, I think. I was already in ‘the wrong crowd’ as our parents used to call it. Slowly, my friend group evolved into a gang and Gabriel joined quickly. He was my little brother, after all. Cas came in our crowd after he got an addiction to crack. He had no family, no money, nothing. He used to be a good hockey player but with no money he couldn’t play anymore and the only thing he played was other people for money. It went on that way for about a year, our gang stole, we had enough money for drugs, we got the drugs and did them, and the cycle went on and on again. Cas became one of our best burglars. He was intelligent, quiet, and efficient. As the time went on though, Gabriel seemed to just get angrier and angrier and he was just so damn crazy, but I still loved him anyways. He’s my brother, I will love him unconditionally.” The leader started as I felt a pang when he talked about Gabriel. Maybe my brother wasn’t really my brother after all. Family didn’t end with blood. I guess it didn’t start there either. 

“One night though, on a job, Gabriel shot someone, a child, out of cold blood. He became a murderer at the age of eighteen. Cas was horrified to see someone die in front of him for the first time and he took a few days off before coming back because he needed the money and the drugs. When you came along though, specifically that night you showed up at Cas’ apartment, Cas said he was dropping out of the gang because he loved you so much and he didn’t want anything to happen to you because he had to choose you or the gang. Benny, Cole, and Rufus were okay with it, still slightly upset because he was so damn good at stealing things, but as long as he didn’t tell anyone anything, we were okay with it. Gabriel, however, didn’t take it so easily. He loved Cas like a brother, he loved us all like a brother, and he couldn’t bear the thought of his family breaking apart. He figured the only way to bring back Cas was to kill his best friend, Charlie, who was also tied to Crack. I don’t know if it was the drugs he was taking or if it was just the pure hatred that burned so brightly inside of him but when killing Charlie didn’t bring Cas back, he went on and killed Jo Harvelle, a drug dealer from Florida that Charlie had loved. When killing Jo didn’t work, that’s when shit really got fucked up.” He shook his head as I folded my arms. 

“What happened?” I asked gingerly as he sighed, shaking his head. 

“This gang, we called ourselves Fractured Loyalty. We were all so tight because none of us had any family. We all came from broken, fucked up lives and we had no hope of going back to a normal life. No family, no one to miss us when something happened, so we became a family and cared about each other. Gabriel and I, our parents were meth addicts and built a damn meth lab in a secret basement under our house. My dad used to do meth and then beat the shit out of Gabriel and me, but Gabriel always got it worse than I did. I tried so damn hard to protect him but my dad just kept on going. When I was six, my mom tried to carve me up with a kitchen knife and got arrested, but my dad stayed with us. Cas’ parents died in a car crash when he was only fourteen and he was sent to an orphanage where some teens there had a crack cocaine issue and forced him to snort some.” I looked at the ground, realizing why Cas never went home for the holidays. He didn’t have a home to go to either.

“So what happened to Gabriel and everyone else? Why aren’t they here?” I asked, confused. 

“It was the first week of December and police officers were just driving when they saw a car abandoned on the side of the road. They went to inspect the car and they found three dead bodies in the backseat, all shot in the head. Gabriel’s fingerprints were all over the car and he was declared Missing In Action until they found him yesterday. He was dead, in the middle of a field with his wrists slashed open, an obvious suicide.” He bit his lip as his voice seemed to get tighter. 

“I’m sorry.” I said, because that’s all I really could say to that. 

“All of my best friends, my brothers, and my real brother died and all you have to say is that you’re sorry? What the fuck! My family died and all of it is your fault, you little whore!” he snapped as he stood up, “You stole one of my best friends, my family and then everything just crumpled down.”

That’s when I saw the tears seeping from his eyes and I wanted so badly to tell him it was okay but I was still so scared of him. 

“You didn’t know… he just,” the leader shook his head as he sat back down, “I really loved Cas. I fell in love with him and he just brushed me off. I bought him flowers and I wrote him a letter and he just told me that he didn’t feel the same way and then that night when you came to the door asking for Cas I caught a glimpse of you two kissing and Gabriel was so angry but I felt even angrier. I beat the shit out of you because all of it was just so damn unfair. A transgender little bitch could get Cas and I was to be pushed off, thrown into the wind. It’s so damn unfair that I have to lose all my family and friends and have nowhere to go. I hate you so much and you just have a happy apple pie life now and I’m going to spend the rest of my days making money by selling drugs. I’ve never even done drugs after my mom tried to kill me by carving me up. My name is Lucifer, for god’s sake, I just want to be loved but who could love someone like me? Who the hell could love someone who is so fucked up?” 

“I was kicked out my house for being transgender,” I started before being cut off. 

“It’s not a damn competition. You’re fucked up and I’m fucked up. The competition is how you recover from being fucked up. That’s why I’m getting out of this damn place and leaving my old life behind. I don’t want to be bad. All I can taste is just something sour and it feels like my lungs are burned and all I want to do is just scream until I leave this damn place. I just wanted to tell you so I can get out of here without leaving you with someone you didn’t even know. I bought Cas a bunch of flowers and wrote him a note and you still got him with just strolling into your dorm room and giving him a glance and I’m still sad and angry about that. I wanted to tell you to treat him the way I wish I could have. There aren’t only just bad things in life, but there aren’t only good things. Just like people and actions. Everything is always but in between, shades of grey. Life is hard and shit sucks, but the way you come back from it is the only thing that matters. It isn’t just about you, Dean. It isn’t just about Cas either. We’re all so selfish and we only care about the things that affect us. We spend our whole dull lives making up fantasy world and pretending we truly know people when we never truly know anyone at all. We just make up little fantasy people that we know as either good or bad and it’s just not the truth. We never truly know a person.” Lucifer said as he shook his head.

I sat in shock, thinking about his story and biting my nails as I opened my mouth to speak.

“You don’t have to say anything,” Lucifer said, “I’ll bring you back to your dorm.” 

“But where is Cas?” I asked as he got up from the table, “Will you be okay?”

“Cas is visiting where everyone was buried, in a stupid little cemetery. He’ll be back in a few days. I’m not.” Lucifer shrugged, “I’ll be okay. I just need a fresh start. I just need to get away from everything tearing me down here. No more drug business. No more stealing. No more smoking.”   
He pulled a wad of money out of his pocket and handed it to me. 

“I don’t deserve this money. I didn’t earn it. I want you to take it, build yourself a new life, and write a book or something. Get Cas to stop smoking, he already stopped taking coke but I want you to take care of him. He’s a bit of a softie still. He’s got a job down at the skating rink but I want you to get him back into playing hockey. He was fantastic until his parents bit it.” Lucifer said as he walked me out to his car. 

The ride back to the dorm was so silent as he parked his car in front of the college. 

“Stay safe, okay? Keep an eye on Cas for me. At least promise me you’ll do that.” Lucifer looked into the rear view mirror. 

“I promise.” I nodded as I opened the car door, unbuckling my seat belt. 

I slammed the car door shut and Lucifer gave me one last glance before he sped off. I thought a lot about what he said as I walked back to the dorm, no longer in fear anymore. Lucifer was not a good man, but he wasn’t a bad one either. I didn’t really even know him but I did know this: he was trying to change from doing all the awful shit. 

Cas returned a few days later, wearing his black leather jacket and no longer smelling like cigarettes. He had a smile on his face as I opened the dorm room door and I cried as I kissed him. He tasted only like caramel apples and cinnamon and I hugged him so tight that I felt my whole body tremble. 

“What?” he asked, looking confused as a smile creased across my face.

“I’m just really glad you came back. I love you a lot.” I shook as I rested my head on his shoulder, “I have something to tell you.” 

He sat down on my bed, patting the side next to him. I sat down willingly. 

“I talked to Lucifer. I know what happened. I know what you did.” I suddenly became serious. 

“Dean…” he trailed off, a concerned look on his face and a hurt look in his eyes, “I’m sorry, okay? I’m sorry. I know I’m an awful person, please don’t break up with me. I know I deserve it, but I just love you so much.” 

“Cas, I’m not breaking up with you. I love you, okay? Just promise me that you’ll stop the drugs and the smoking, please.” I pleaded. 

“I promise. I love you so much.” Cas hugged me as I hugged him back. 

“There is one other rule,” I whispered into his ear. 

“What is that?” he asked gently as I nuzzled into him. 

“You have to start playing hockey again. You were really good, according to Lucifer.” I whispered. 

“Okay,” he agreed as we laid down on the bed. 

“I love you so much,” I said again and he looked back at me, a glimmer in his eyes. 

I leaned in and kissed him softly before pulling away gently.

“Do you want to go on?” I asked. 

“Hell yes, Dean. Fuck yes.” Cas nodded before leaning in and starting slow. 

We kissed slowly and he tasted amazing and my head was spinning. 

We began to speed up and it felt like a fire burning, my whole body aching for him. 

“I need you,” I moaned as he pulled away for a breath. 

Cas pulled off my shirt slowly, his second. I crossed my arms over my binder, suddenly self conscious. 

“You’re such a hot guy, Dean.” Cas pulled me close to him again and moved my arms around his body, embracing me in another kiss. 

I felt the dysphoria melt away into pure desire for him. 

“F…uck me, Cas, fuck…” I moaned as he began to kiss my neck. 

He pulled off his pants and I pulled off my shorts, feeling his boner through my boxer shorts. He grinded our bodies together and I began to kiss his collarbone as I sucked on it, giving him a hickey. 

“My mark,” I whispered lustfully as he put fingers in my waistband and loosened my boxers from my body. 

I pulled his off and rubbed his naked body against mine. It was hot and sweaty and just so much desire filled me to the brim.

Cas pulled away from kissing my neck and grabbed the lube and a condom from the bed side table. 

“Fuck me hard, baby.” I whispered lustfully as he put the condom on. 

“Are you ready for me?” He asked as I kissed his neck again.

“Fuck me, please. I want you so bad. Need you,” I moaned. 

I rolled over on to my back as Cas teased his fingers around my ass. Applying lube, he pressed them into there as I moaned softly. Moving faster, I moaned louder, sighing. He slowly moved his dick into me and I clenched my hands together with the pain. I cried out as he moved in slow circles. I felt myself tearing and he pulled out and back in again. He dug his nails into my back, moaning loudly and scratching. 

He finally pulled out, lying on the bed next to me as I continued to kiss him. I felt exhausted but so turned on that I was filled with excitement and lust.   
I moved down slowly to his dick and stroked it gently as he shuddered. 

“Love you there, Dean, love you there.” He moaned.

I massaged it and Cas finally cried out for me to stop. I moved back up to his face and kissed him passionately, knowing the session was nearing an end.

“I love you,” I whispered. 

“I love you too,” Cas kissed my forehead again.


	12. twelve

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> //HUGE SPOILER WARNING//  
> There is very triggering suicidal content in this chapter, stay safe lovelies <3

Cas did end up to begin playing hockey again. I got a job at Starbucks as a barista and Cas had his job at the ice rink and ended up getting another part time job at McDonalds. It was a few weeks later when Cas announced that he had a game that night. I was excited and when we got into Black Lightning to go to the game, he laid his jerseys in the front seat next to me and I saw the captain letter c on it.

“You’re the captain?” I asked in shock. 

“Hell yeah,” a grin traveled up the side of his face as I remembered driving to the rink on our first date before everything really happened. I wanted to badly to just kiss his stupid face right there and then I remembered the look he got in his eyes as he skated and I thought that I couldn’t possibly be more in love with him but I knew now that my love for him never faded. 

When we got to the rink, Cas gave me a quick kiss on the forehead and I went and sat in the middle of the third row of bleachers, the cold, hard metal making my butt cold but my body still staying warm in my slightly oversized hoodie that only allowed my fingertips to poke out of the sleeves. I was warm but the moment Cas stepped on the ice with his team, I felt a shiver run down my spine. He shook the hands of the refs and the other team’s coach which was Coach Metatron; I had learned from huffs under people’s breaths. 

Just watching him dash across the ice working with his team and scoring a goal made me feel like I was on cloud nine. His team ended up winning the game and when he was done, he placed his hands on my waist and hoisted me in the air as he laughed, his eyes sparkling. He lowered me and kissed me, pushing his hands through my hair as I smiled into the kiss. People stared but Cas and I just savored the moment and I was so thrilled in the first time ever since Charlie died which had been months ago. 

I wanted to end this story here, where we live happily ever after and get married and have kids and I smile and laugh every day at the little munchkins as the pattering of feet on the wood floors of our house in the suburbs rang throughout and my brother eventually came back and saw how happy I was and finally began to change his mind on my transition. I wanted to stop here and just look back and see how much my life changed in a few months back a long time ago, but I knew I had to write an ending for this one, unlike any other story I had ever written. I went back and read over all the pages and just wanted to cry as I read my old writing.   
The endings of stories are often always categorized as either happy or sad, just like books in general. Most stories have a happy ending, where the main character lives happily ever after and the birds sing and the flowers bloom. Some stories have sad endings, where the main character is so upset and angry and it makes people cry. This story would probably be categorized as a sad one but it all depends on your perception of things. Nothing was ever just truly sad or truly happy. It just seemed to come crashing down as I struggled to keep up with it. 

I had just turned twenty three when I noticed that Cas seemed to drift farther and farther away from everything, including just life itself. We didn’t talk much at all and he always just had this faraway glance in his eyes even when we lay next to each other. He was just so sad looking and I wanted so badly to get him to tell me everything but Cas just wasn’t that kind of person. Lucifer had to tell me his past before he mysteriously disappeared in search of a better life and existence.   
It was one night when I had just moved into Cas’ apartment after graduating from Ash Forest when Cas got out of bed. I pretended to be asleep as he left the room, closing the door softly behind him as he tried not to disturb me from my sleep. I peered out the window as I watched him walk down the street. Looking on my bedside table, I saw a small folded piece of paper. I held it in my hands as I left the room, escaping our apartment. I followed him quietly, hiding behind things as he looked over his shoulder. We finally reached the main motorway where the cars drove by quickly and I saw him stop and stare into the street. I felt the scream catch in my throat as I realized what he was doing. 

“CAS! NO!” I screamed at him as he looked back at me with a saddened expression. 

The lights from cars lit up his eyes that had a dull fade instead of a sparkling icy blue. I saw the tears fill up his eyes as they rolled down his cheeks. That was the only time I had ever seen Castiel cry. I felt the tears rush out of my own eyes as I ran to him, tugging on his jacket as he looked back at me. I smelled the cigarette smoke on his jacket.

“Cas, it’s me. I need you. I love you. Please step away.” I said as I pulled out my phone, dialing 9-1-1. 

He followed my orders, stepping away as I ran my hand through my hair as I bit my nails, just holding on to him and sobbing as he stared blankly, the tears rushing down his face. The cars just drove by on the highway, ignoring us. The police eventually showed up, the lights flashing as they parked their cars. A tall, gruff looking officer stared me straight in the eyes as I talked, his partner talking to Cas. 

I began to tell him what had happened when I saw Cas out of the corner of my eye. He pulled away from the officer, leaving the other officer with only his leather jacket in his hands. A huge tractor trailer truck looking thing came barreling down the road and all I saw was Cas’ body thrown into it like a ragdoll. The officers screamed in alarm as I fell to the ground and my lungs felt like they were on fire as I heard the sickening crunch of Cas’ body crunching underneath the tire. The vehicle slammed to a stop as I felt like I couldn’t breathe. My knees felt weak as one of the officers held me. 

“Sir? Sir! Please stay with me here, it’s okay, it’s okay, please just stay with me here.” He shook me but I coughed and sobbed and panicked as I saw stars and the blackness overcame me as I finally felt the shriek escape from my mouth. 

The bright white light pierced my eyes as I opened them. It was silent; everything was just as quiet as I lifted my head off the pillow. I grunted as I fell back, sighing. Cas would show up soon. I jerked my head forward as it all hit me again. Seeing how his body was thrashed into the tire and the screams of the officers made me feel like I just wanted to throw myself into the wheels of a huge truck. I just rolled over in my bed as my chest hurt so much for crying that I just couldn’t anymore. It just physically hurt so badly and my head hurt and everything just seemed to hurt. I had nightmares about losing Cas but I always just imagined me crying and standing over his grave but now I just lay in a hospital bed unable to breathe as I tried to remember him. 

“Hello.” I heard a voice as I snapped up, turning around. 

I saw locks of floppy brown hair and I immediately knew it was Sammy. I held the hospital sheet close to me as he stared at me with his big sad brown eyes. 

“How is Cas?” I asked as my throat burned, barely able to force the words out of my mouth. 

“You mean Castiel?” Sammy asked I bit my nails. 

“Yes,” my voice cracked as I nodded, wanting to just break down but holding it back somehow as my chest ached.

“Castiel is currently in the ICU. They don’t think he will make it through tonight. They say his chance of survival through the night tonight is only about five percent or less. He sustained severe brain damage, broke many bones due to the impact, and his lungs collapsed.” Sammy shook his head slowly, shrugging. 

“I need to see him,” I felt myself break down again as I pulled it out of my skin, getting up from my bed. 

“No, you can’t, Deanna, no.” Sammy hopped up from his chair in the corner of the room as I struggled to kick the sheets off. 

“Sam, no, you don’t understand. I need to see him.” I tried to get to the door as Sam got in front of me, blocking me. Sam was not just a fourteen year old anymore. He had grown into a large nineteen year old man probably a little taller than six feet, fully capable of stopping me, his older brother who was only about 5’6. 

“Deanna, no, you have to stay here. A nurse told me to come get her when you woke up.” Sam blocked me as I felt the panic rising in my chest.

I thrashed against his grip, trying to get by him but he just shoved me and stopped me.

“Get the fuck off of me!” I screamed as I tried to shove by him, “You don’t know what the hell I’ve been through! You fucking let Dad kick me out of the family! Cas is the only one who cares about me and I’m going to lose him too!” 

I flailed around as Sam just wrapped his arms around me and I felt the tears burn my eyes as they rushed down my cheeks and I just began sobbing all over again with Sam hugging me. I sank to the floor as I sobbed, shaking and crying as the snot clogged up my nose and I couldn’t breathe as I just cried. 

In pretty much all movies, they show the character who had just lost another with tears rolling down their cheeks as they cried over the other characters grave as the sky was dark with rain pouring from the sky as they held a black umbrella, but they often never showed the ugly sobbing breakdowns as you just clutched your chest because you couldn’t even begin to explain the pain raging through yourself. 

Sammy just sat down on the floor next to me as I cried for what seemed to be hours, but was probably only a few minutes. He eventually got up and got a nurse to come look at me. I was discharged from the hospital as a patient but I just sat in the waiting room before a nurse came over and began to talk to me. 

“Hello,” she gave a weak smile as I chewed on my nails, “My name is Nurse Tessa, but you can just call me Tess.” 

I gave a weak shrug as I bit my lip hard, my eyes filling with tears again.

“One of the other nurses told me that you were waiting for Castiel Novak.” Tess gave another weak smile at me.

I nodded. 

“I’m going to pray he makes it through the night. Care to join me?” she offered as she took my hand and closed her eyes, beginning to speak. I knew I had to fake pray at that point because I didn’t believe there could possibly be a heaven or a hell and I knew Cas would hate the idea of sitting on a fluffy cloud with a harp and granting miracles to people. He would be an awfully terrible angel with his cigarettes and tattoos and leather jacket.

“Amen.” She whispered as she opened her bright eyes.

I stared at her as she nodded at me. 

“I really hope that Castiel pulls through tonight,” she folded her hands as she gave one last smile and walked away. 

I just sat there, crumpled over with my arms crossed. 

It was late and suddenly the security was kicking people out for staying past hours. I wanted to see Cas but since we weren’t related and weren’t married they wouldn’t let me in. I was suddenly in front of the hospital again, standing on the sidewalk. I saw my dad’s old car, the gorgeous black four door 1967 Chevy Impala pull up with Sam in the driver’s seat. He pulled down the window as I stared at him blankly. 

“Deanna.” Sam said as he glanced from me to the passenger seat. 

“I’m coming,” I said as I went to the car door, opening it and slumping in the seat.

Sam drove for a while with the silence between us painstakingly awful. I had missed him so much when I was first kicked out but then I realized I could do it without him, but when I tried to apply the same rule to Cas I just felt myself crumble inside. I wanted to just cry until I collapsed again, but I just sat in the car seat, numb, with my chest aching with the thought of Cas getting run over. 

“You really loved him,” Sam said quietly after a while. 

“You weren’t even here for ten years,” I snapped, suddenly angry, “You don’t have a right to say that. You hardly even know me.” 

“I can tell,” Sam shrugged, “I can tell by the way you thought me and I can see it in your eyes. You’re just bursting at the seams with love for Castiel.” 

“Don’t say that. You don’t understand.” I shook my head. 

I had spent years missing Sam and now all I could think was just the anger that boiled in my veins with everything at Sammy. He had left me all alone and now he was just saying things that were only slightly true. 

“I do understand. I heard you calling out in your sleep to him. You kept saying his name over and over again and I felt bad because I knew that he probably wasn’t going to make it. I looked at you and you just kept saying his name and you smiled in your sleep as you said it and just the way it rolled off your tongue told me that you loved him. It was just the little things that showed me you loved him because I have a girlfriend named Jessica who I’m going to propose to soon.” Sam smiled lightly as he mentioned her and I just crossed my arms, feeling the anger surge through me and then just the tears of frustration. 

“Well it’s sure great for you that you’ve had such a great life without me and have been able to get a girlfriend and have a great happy life with her and grow up nicely whereas I was kicked out on the street and my roommate got murdered and all I had left was Cas, so if you could kindly fuck off and stop trying to relate to me when you don’t know what kind of shit I’ve been through, that would be great. I gave up everything just to be myself and you just threw me out on the street.” I snapped back, the tears running down my face as I yelled at him as he stared out of the window. 

“I’m sorry,” Sam just said plainly as I dug my nails into my leg. 

“You’re sorry? Then why won’t you even call me by my name?” I asked, still fuming. 

“Your name is Deanna,” he said simply. 

“My name is Dean, okay? I’m a guy. I’m your brother, not your sister.” I threw my hand in the air in frustration. 

“You will always be my sister.” Sam said quietly as I stared. 

If this story was like a regular story, it would probably end with Cas having some kind of miraculous comeback of the century and being okay in the end and Sam going back to being my regular brother and accepting me for who I was and calling me by Dean and his brother, but it just didn’t happen.   
It was in the middle of the night when my phone began buzzing at the hotel room Sam had booked for us to stay in. I opened it, going into the hallway softly as I heard Tess’ voice at the other end. 

“Deanna, sorry, Dean? I-I was told that they were going to make an exception for Cas’ case because he has no living relatives in this country and he is quickly declining. I-I wanted you to see Cas one last time before he leaves, because he’s not too far away now. Please come right away.” Tess whimpered into the phone. 

I snuck back into the hotel room, grabbing the Impala keys off the side table Sam had rested them on. I snuck out to the Impala in the parking lot and drove to the hospital. They let me into the ICU and into Cas’ room and as I walked in I heard this awful crackling noise as machines beeped. Tess stood by the bed as I walked up to him. He was just something unrecognizable and I hated seeing him like that because I knew he would’ve hated it too. He just kept making this awful crackling noise and I just sat down on the bed and felt my throat feel like it was closing as I heard the song that we had slow danced to for the first time playing in my ears and I wanted to be poetic and sing it to him but my jaw was clenched shut and my throat felt like it was closed and the tears just fell out of my eyes as I stared at him, clutching his weak hand as he tried to catch his breath and I just no longer wanted him to fight anymore. It went on like this for thirty minutes before he made the worst crackling noise and then all the machines started going crazy and all of the strings inside of me just snapped. I started sobbing as I stared at his closed eyes and his dark hair, clutching his weak hand and looking at his weak body as I felt myself shaking and sobbing uncontrollably. Tess took me out of the room, practically yanking me as I screamed Castiel’s name again and again. My chest ached as I just felt it hit me head on that he was dead. 

Tess pulled me into the janitors closet, letting me sit on the floor as I just shook and sobbed, unable to comprehend the fact that my boyfriend was gone. I just sat there hiccupping and sniffling and I just wanted it to all stop for a minute there. It felt like the entire earth had just stopped for me and I don’t know why that happened because it all seemed to race on by so damn fast and I had no idea how to react. I eventually just stop crying altogether and just started shaking as Tess sat beside me in the closet, just letting me calm down. The anxiety just took me over then and it seemed to just cripple me. How could I live in a world without Castiel Novak? How could I survive without the person that I thought completed me? 

I just sat there feeling sorry for myself and I knew it was so damn selfish of me to be thinking of myself when Cas was probably in paralyzing fear as he couldn’t catch his breath in those last few minutes and he was just trying to hold on, his body struggling to keep up with the cruel world beating down on him again and again. People often said they felt like the world was ending when a loved one died but I just stared at the wall as I tried to catch my breath from sobbing. 

Tess walked me back down to the waiting room and I just sat there with all of the other people who looked anxious for their own loved ones who were here and I just sat there emotionless as I felt like my whole body crumbled from it all. My lungs and heart just ached as I felt like I couldn’t breathe. The tears just trembled out of my eyes as I sat there, lonely. Tess sat there next to me for a while before getting up and leaving to go to somewhere else. 

Castiel Novak was pronounced legally dead at 5:32 am on Tuesday, March 15th. He was 30 years old at the time of death. Tuesday, March 15th was a beautiful day in New York with lovely spring weather that the New Yorkers called the beginning of spring. He died before the sun even rose that morning. 

I am undone.


	13. thirteen

I sat in the chair, just completely lost in my thoughts as I saw Sam walk into the waiting room, accompanied by a small blonde girl with wavy locks of hair. I assumed that was Jessica and I just sat there as Sam walked over to me. 

“How is Castiel?” he asked as I folded my arms, looking away. 

“Okay,” I muttered, my voice breaking as I continued, “He died at 5:32 am this morning.” 

“Deanna,” Sam’s voice trailed off, “I’m so sorry.” 

“If you were really sorry then you would have to actually love and care about me not for pity reasons. Don’t pity me. Pitying me is not loving me as your brother.” I snapped at him as he just glanced at Jessica, who looked confused. 

“I thought you had a sister?” She asked Sam as I just gave a weak stare. 

“I do,” Sam eyed me

“I’m transgender. Female to male.” I said, my throat feeling so tight and my chest just so achy. 

“Sorry,” Jessica apologized, “Your name then?” 

“My name is Dean.” I said as I bit my lip again. 

“Okay,” Jess gave a weak smile, “Continue.” 

"Jess..." Sam began to scold her.

“There is nothing else to be said here.” I growled as I crossed my arms. 

“We’ll drive you home.” Sam said as I just shrugged. 

“Please, Dean.” Jessica begged as her blue eyes sparkled but not in the way that Cas’ eyes sparkled at all. Hers were more of a dark blue where his were just this blue that was so indescribable that the blue seemed to break the color spectrum. 

I reluctantly found myself crawling into the passenger seat of Jessica’s car while Sam took the Impala back to the house they had bought together. 

“Sam told me about Castiel. I’m sorry Dean.” Jessica said as she took a turn. 

“What are you sorry about?” I asked as I clenched my teeth together. 

“I don’t know,” she admitted, “Just you losing him, I guess.” 

“What does the word sorry even mean?” I asked as she drove. 

“I don’t really know,” she shrugged. 

“Me neither,” I said plainly. 

I sniffled as I stared out of the window again, just looking at the bright sky with the trees as we dashed by in the car, everything just seeming like some kind of awful dream. I looked at my hands, hoping they were distorted and it was all just a dream but I when I looked down all five fingers were all intact and normal, unlike they would be in a dream. 

Days went by and I just seemed to stare into space, trying to remember Cas and how he was but everything just seemed to fade away so fast and I wanted to reach out and traffic but I was being blown around in the wind, slapped in the face by the rough ocean waves and I was drowning and deprived of air, choking and coughing but no one was there to help and I was screaming out Cas’ name but he would never hear. 

It was finally Cas’ funeral date and his only family member that could make it was his aunt that moved to Britain and tried to forget about her sister, Cas’ mother’s death when she got into that car accident. I still hadn’t went back to our apartment and just stayed with Sam and Jess, who just left me to a room in their house. Sam and Jess promised to go with me to Cas’ funeral so it wouldn’t just be me and his aunt standing there over his coffin. 

I stood in front of the mirror once again as I inspect myself in front of the mirror, but instead of the time when I went to Charlie’s death, something was different. I wasn’t waiting for someone who loved me and I knew that I would have no comfort here. I was a big fool to make Cas the part of my life that I depended on and I hated myself for that. My binder hugged my chest as I struggled to sigh. I just stared into my reflection, unraveling myself as I realized that my body was my own and I felt like I wasn’t even in my own body but the pain in my chest just reminded me that I was stuck in this stupid body. 

I heard a knock at the door and I wiped at my eyes as the tears flowed out of them. Opening the door, I watched Jess walk in with Sam behind her. Sam wrapped his arms around his to-be fiancée and I just lost it then. Cas and I were supposed to be like that, get married and have a happy ending with maybe the pitter patter of little feet in the halls of our first house, but maybe not because Cas didn’t particularly like kids but the anger boiled inside of me anyways when I saw Sam with Jessica because it was just so damn unfair that Cas died and I hated everything about it. I know it’s so selfish but I can’t help being mad at Cas for killing himself because we could’ve had a happy ending but life just seemed to ruin it. I wanted to know why he did that but all I had was grief and anger with no answers.

“Dean, it’s time to go,” Jess said sweetly, smoothing down the side of her black dress. She was beautiful with the black lace tying her hair back and Sam was so damn lucky to have her. I hadn’t written anything for Cas and I felt guilty but Cas’ aunt said it was okay because it wasn’t going to be a huge funeral anyways. 

I bit my lip hard as Jess pulled away from Sam and gave me a little hug as I tried to hold back my sobs that threatened to escape from my chest. My heart itself just ached and I wanted to just lay at the shore of the ocean and let the waves crash over me, letting me drown but something inside me kept fighting and I hated that. The drive to the graveyard Cas was going to be buried at was so long and I just tried so hard to keep everything all balled up inside me, making my chest hurt even more. I’m not really sure why that was but it just hurt so badly physically and mentally. 

When we reached the graveyard and I got out of the car, I just stared blankly at the coffin and Cas’ aunt just standing over it. I went back into the car, grabbing the black roses that I had bought for Cas because I knew that he liked green and black the most out of all of the colors and I just wanted to him have his favorite things now but I knew those were probably frowned upon to bring to a funeral. 

I gripped the roses with white knuckles as I approached the coffin, biting my lip hard as Sam and Jess followed me close behind. I shook as I kept stepping closer and I just wanted to tear off and run away from this awful place, leaving everything behind and beginning a new life just as Lucifer had but I knew that I had to face Cas because I had let him down and let him die. I clenched my fists with the roses in them so hard that my nails dug into my palms, leaving small indentations. I finally approached the coffin, seeing his aunt. She was a burly woman, much taller than I was, and a few pounds overweight. She also had the same dark hair that Cas had, a wrinkled face, a long black dress with matching black gloves, and a white cloth that she dabbed at her eyes with. I felt almost sick as I approached with burning lungs and a huge headache. 

He lay inside the coffin, a sheet pulled halfway over him. He wore a regal looking suit that was ironed perfectly and his face was so brutally damaged from being hit by the truck that they had to use plastic to fix it up so he looked presentable. His eyes were closed and I wanted to see his icy blue eyes that never ceased to take my breath away. I immediately cover my mouth with my hand as I inspected him. His hair was combed back in this awful thing that I knew he would have absolutely hated because of his never ending faux hawk style that he kept year after year for ten years. I wished that we could’ve gotten married and maybe he wouldn’t have jumped into traffic but then again, did I really even know him? After ten years of dating, we still hadn’t gotten married partly because we never really seemed to think it was necessary and partly because I still felt like I didn’t fully know him yet but then again, did ever really know anyone? 

I placed my hand on his cold face as I bit my lip hard again and I couldn’t help but let out a choked sob. The tears came streaking out of my face as I buried my face in my hands, just crumbling again as I looked back up at his figure. He looked so small in the coffin and they didn’t even show the lower part of his body on account of how mangled it was. I remember walking into his hospital room all over again and how I just wished that he would die already because the noise he was making was just so awful that I couldn’t even handle it. I just began remembering everything in backwards motion, and soon I was back to when Charlie died and then even when I first met him, but all of the memories didn’t even seem to be real. They were all faded and colorless. Cas’ eyes didn’t even have a color anymore; they were just grey and suddenly all of the memories just seemed to be grey and I couldn’t even remember what he tasted like. I leaned down, almost kissing him as I heard the shocked gasp of Cas’ aunt. 

“What the hell are you doing to my nephew?” She hissed as I just froze in place. 

“What do you mean, what the hell am I doing to your nephew?” I asked, confused and sniffling. 

“Why are you trying to kiss him?” She asked, giving me a fierce look. 

“He was my boyfriend for ten fucking years,” I growled, suddenly angry. 

“I thought you were flat mates and best friends,” She narrowed her eyes, “You didn’t tell me you were homosexuals.”

“Yeah, well, you didn’t know a lot of shit because you moved to fucking Britain after your sister died because you couldn’t handle the pressure, pawning off the responsibilities to a orphan shelter and just took off to hide from your own life. Did it ever occur to you that you doing that is probably one of the things that killed him?” 

I pointed at Cas in his coffin as I broke out crying again. 

“What are you talking about?” she asked, confused and still burning with anger. 

“Deanna, stop.” Sam said plainly as Jess came up behind me, pulling me away from Cas’ aunt. 

It wasn’t really like me to be angry and snap at people like this with this kind of confidence. I would usually just fall in behind and follow orders blindly but now I was bursting with the confidence Cas gave me and all of the anxiety in me just converted to anger as I gritted my teeth. 

“Yeah, while you went off and had the tea time with the Brits while you tried to hide from everything, Castiel was harassed into snorting some crack cocaine. He even sprouted up an addiction while you just stood by and had some biscuits with your tea. He got off his cocaine and started smoking some cigarettes. I was the one to stop him from using both of those drugs. You refused custody due to a 'mental disorder' called laziness and lack of empathy for a poor child who lost both of his parents.” I growled at her as she blinked a few times in shock. 

“Deanna.” Sam said again, “Calm down.” 

“No, Sam, I’m not just going to let her blow over me like this. I lost fucking everything and she just lost one nephew.” I growled. 

“Deanna, stop, god damn it.” Sam snapped, pulling me backwards and spinning me around. 

“I’m not your daughter or something, Sam. I’m your older brother. Now back off.” I stared him straight in the eye as he clenched his fist. 

“Guys, stop.” Jess said, “Sam, please stop.” 

Sam gave me one last hard look and turned away as I walked back over to Castiel, laying the roses on him and leaning down and kissing him on the mouth, his lips not even feeling like anything but plastic and he tasted like nothing, but I couldn’t even remember the taste of his caramel apple taste. I lingered a minute longer, watching him as it looked like he was sleeping and I just realized that my anger was all coming from him. 

No. I couldn’t blame all of my anger on Cas because he wasn’t an awfully angry person. He was brave and reckless and just seeming to be the best thing that happened to me. 

But that too was also wrong. 

“Castiel is flying up in heaven with the angels. He has gained his wings. He was such a handsome man. I wish I could have done something.” Cas’ aunt said and I just went back into more trains of thought that finally came clearly after just sobbing for days on end with thoughts I could not grasp because they all seemed to move so fast I couldn’t catch them. 

Cas was not a miracle, a dream, or the best thing that had ever happened to me. He was one thing- a boy. All of my thoughts were on a downwards spiral and damn, was I falling fast into the abyss of regular human thoughts. I wanted to just believe that Cas was flying up in heaven with the angels but I just felt empty and honestly I felt nothing like he was watching over me. There was no such thing as angels and there was no God who kept over us and held dead family members in the fluffy white clouds. We as humans seemed to just not be able to perceive death as it truly was. There was no afterlife and our emotions were so strong about death and dying that we created a world in which everyone lives just to keep us from fearing death and the nothingness with it. It was such a deep thought that many just smoothed over the deep dark crevice of death. I wanted so badly just to run from it, and many did try to run from death, some even pretending that just ‘dying’ didn’t exist. The thought that hurt me the most in the back of my head is that I could have done something but I did nothing.

I kissed Castiel again for the last time as I brushed away my tears with gross hiccups and sobbing noises that just didn’t add up like how most characters died in books and movies. When Alaska died, Pudge didn’t describe the huge ass ache in your chest and the headaches and not being able to breathe or talk and just wanting to sleep all the time and the forgetting of people after they die. 

I had just lost Cas and I was already forgetting him, pretty much everything. All of my dreams and memories of him were losing color and seemed like stiff, old nothingness that was just used to fill the gaps of loneliness. Us as human were so lonely that we created a false sense of security after we die so people believe that he go to a nice place called heaven or just get reincarnated into a nice baby to start fresh and new. I just missed Cas so damn much and I fucking hated how I didn’t get to keep the memories after he died. It just wasn’t fucking fair how people got to live so simply and I had to lose everything. I sounded so damn selfish and I knew that so well and it was an issue but I just wanted Cas back. 

It was about two weeks later when I truly got out of bed for the first time. I walked into the kitchen at 9am on a Saturday in Sam’s house because Jess insisted that she would take care of me until I felt well enough to return to work and home. I stood near the coffee maker and began to make a cup when I saw Jess turn the corner around the kitchen. I rubbed underneath my eyes and I just wanted to crumble again but I just tried to hold it all inside of me and stop breaking so easily. 

“Hey,” Jess gave a warm smile as I just nodded in response, “How are you feeling?” 

“Shitty,” I mumbled as I continued making the coffee. 

“Way to put it down as it is,” Jess snickered as I looked back at her. 

I raised my hands in defense, “Sorry for being honest.” 

“It’s okay to be not okay as long as you try to feel better,” she said reassuringly. 

“How does it even feel to be truly okay? I can’t really remember.” I shook my head as I bit my lip and tried to stop myself from crying, “Sorry for being emotional. Sorry.” 

“It’s perfectly fine, okay, Dean?” Jess shoved her hands back into her pockets.

“Okay,” I said quietly, my throat feeling tight as a few moments of silence passed. 

“Sam told me you were a writer and I thought maybe to lessen the pain of losing Cas, you could write something for him.” Jess suggested as my blood ran cold. 

I had to write something for him. 

For Castiel Jimmy Novak.


	14. epilogue

“I-I need to go visit our old apartment,” I let the thought drop out of my mouth as I panicked. 

I remembered everything so quickly and my head just ached as I ran my hand through my hair, which was getting increasingly longer without having a haircut for a while. 

“I can drive,” Jess offered as I grabbed my cup of coffee and handed it to her. 

She put a few packets of sugar into it and stirred before taking a sip and grabbing the car keys off the table. I made myself a cup of coffee and followed Jess as she walked out of the house. She got into the Impala and we began to drive down the road. 

“What was your address?” Jess asked as she made a turn. 

I gave it to her as I leaned back in my seat, prepared for the long ride back to New York from Kansas, holding my tears back and biting my lip hard again. I leaned on my side as the car driving down the road filled me with fatigue for some reason. 

It was quite a few hours before we got back into New York but I woke with a start at the sound of the traffic I had grown quite fond of. I stared straight forward as Jess soon pulled into the parking lot for our apartment building. She parked the car and I just stared at the building as I remembered the last time that I had walked through the parking lot, following Cas to his death. I wanted so badly just to go back and sit right up in bed as Cas got up so I could have stopped him before it was too late. Jess opened her door and I did the same as my thoughts raced through my mind and I just wanted to scream out in agony but I held it inside of me as I felt the claws scratch across my heart. 

We went up to our old apartment and I pawned the key off to Jess as I stared at the door, biting my lip and trembling as I bit my nails. My shoulders tightened and I clenched my jaw, my chest just holding a breath. Cas, Cas, Cas, Cas, Cas, Cas, my mind repeated the same thought as Jess twisted the knob on the door.   
She opened it and I saw the messy bed and Cas’ car keys and just everything as I took it all in. I couldn’t catch his scent and I just fell to my knees in front of the door. I dug my nails into the door as Jess helped me to my feet. 

“Dean, listen to me, okay?” Jess said breathily, “It’s okay. Cas is in heaven, okay?” 

I nodded but I knew it was a lie, just a comforting lie humans used because they couldn’t deal with the emotional pain of death and just the loss. It was one of the things that was too deep to be felt by humankind. I was just breathless as I saw Cas’ jacket thrown haphazardly across the bed. I ran to it, heaving a sob as I wore it. I felt the handprint tattoo burn on my shoulder and I threw the jacket off on the ground as Jess stood in the doorway. I rubbed my hand over my shoulder as I touched the last part of Cas I had left other than his jacket and his car. 

I saw my laptop on the side table and I grabbed it and the jacket, wearing it again as I sat on the bed, trying to remember Cas but everything about him was so colorless and lifeless. I looked at the TV we had and I saw the stupid picture of us kissing in the snow last year. I wanted to break it so badly as I clenched my fists. I picked up the small photo frame, my hand clenched on it as I prepared to throw it on the ground. 

“No, no, no, Dean,” Jess ran to my side as she slipped the frame from my hand, “Don’t do that.” 

It was in that moment when I just felt my dam break and everything just spill out as I just sat down on what used to be my bed. 

It was a few weeks later when I got a notice from our landlord that we had to pay. I paid what I had left in the bank and Sam helped me move out of the apartment and into his house for a little bit longer. 

I sat on the bed of the room Sam had given me so that after Cas’ death I could pick myself back up again. I held the pencil in my hand, poised, and ready for it to meet the paper. I stared at the blank sheet, hoping that I could just sprout beautiful poetic lines that would make their way on to the captions of black and white photos on hipster’s tumblr pages. Everyone seemed to make writing seem so simple and I guess my mind just raced too much for my hand to write and there were just some emotions that were too deep to even describe. 

“Dear Cas,” I scribbled on to the page in fine print as I said it out loud to myself. It was the proper way to start any letter. 

I stared at the sheet of paper for a few more seconds. 

“I’m sorry.” I scribbled the words. 

Most of the time that could be all that I could say and now the words “I’m sorry” just didn’t seem to cut it for Cas’ case. What the fuck was I even sorry for? The hand that life gave us? That a bunch of shit just didn’t pan out? It just sounded like utter crap that a storybook would pronounce as reality. 

I crumpled the piece of paper up and tossed it at the trash bin, snapping my wrist to use full strength. It bounced off the rim and landed on the floor, about a foot next to it. I sighed loudly and fell back on to the bed, tossing my portable desk on to the floor beside me. I heard a small knock at the door and I prepared myself once again for one of Jess’ motivational speeches about not giving up or something. 

“Deanna?” I heard Sam’s voice instead of Jess’ apple pie sweet voice. 

“Come in,” I said quietly. 

Sam walked into my room as I sat up on my bed. He leaned against my door frame. 

“You’re wasting your life and acting like an angsty teenager, Deanna. You’re almost twenty five, going on thirty.” Sam stated. 

“How am I?” I was cut off as Sam started speaking again.

“Let me talk first.” He said, continuing, “You just lounge around and talk about how Cas saved your damn life and push everyone else away and pretend that they hate you and how your life is hard and sucks. If I didn’t love you, if I didn’t give a shit about you, then I wouldn’t let you stay here.” 

“If you loved me, you would call me your brother.” I snapped bitterly. 

“Fuck it, Dean, you’re my brother, okay?” Sam said, staring me straight in the eye, “Dean Winchester is my brother. I’m sorry.” 

I just looked at him, shocked that he would announce that. 

“You’re my dumbass, stubborn brother who pushes everyone away and uses his boyfriend’s death as an excuse and is wasting his own life. I know you miss Cas and I know you love him, but you can’t make your grief for him become you as a person. Make Cas’ death mean something. Write a book or something.” Sam told me as he pushed himself off of the door frame. 

I was crying again and I hated how much I was crying. It must be the female hormones because I still hadn’t gone on male hormones or even gotten my top surgery yet. 

“Come here, Dean.” My name falling out of Sam’s mouth just sounded so right and I got up from the bed, squeezing him tight as I hugged him for the first time I had in about ten years or maybe even more. I stifled my cries in his shoulder. 

“You don’t need Cas, okay? I know you say you can’t live without him but it’s not him you can’t live without; it’s the strength and courage he gives you to live on.” Sam said softly into my ear as I just hugged him. 

I nodded as I just felt like crying again. 

I guess Sam was right. 

It was only a few days later when Jess came dashing into the living room as I scribbled garbage writing on a piece of paper that I was trying to write for Cas. 

“Dean,” She sounded breathless and held something small in her hand. 

“Hm?” I looked up from my writing as a smile streaked across her face.

“Dean, I’m pregnant.” She covered her face with her hands. 

“Jess, oh my gosh. I’m so happy for you!” I had to fake being excited because I remembered Cas bringing up having kids on multiple occasions and me turning down each one, saying I plainly wasn’t ready. 

“And I was wondering if maybe you wanted to name the baby after Castiel?” she dragged her toes of the floor behind herself. 

“Cassandra if she’s a girl, Castiel if he’s a boy, Cas for short for either?” I shrugged.

I felt the tears burn in my eyes and I willed them away. 

“Of course Dean,” she smiled, leaning down and hugging me, “Castiel would be proud if he was seeing you right now.” 

Sam surprised me a few weeks later as I sat on the floor of my room in his house. 

“Dean?” he asked as I turned around, facing him. 

“Yes?” I replied, hoping for no bad news. 

“Dean, for a while now, I’ve had a fund with Jess to help you get back on your feet. And now I realize that I probably couldn’t farm you out to a new house. I’d really love it if you could stay with us for a while more. Jess really thinks the same. So we raised more money into this fund and I’ve decided that I needed to spend it to help you become a real man. So I went and put in an order to change your name to Dean Winchester and they accepted. You need to sign off on it. While I was at it, I also got you an appointment with a doctor who specializes in FtM issues and does top surgeries and male hormones. All you have to do is go to it.” Sam gave a small smile and I finally saw my brother again and my heart leaped into my chest.

“I love you, Sam,” I gripped him in a huge hug as I felt the tears of joy leak down my face.

“I love you too, older brother.” Sam said softly, “I did it all because Castiel would have wanted me to. The final gift of Castiel Novak.”

I wished the heavens existed so that I could agree. 

I clutched the car keys in my hand along with my sloppily written note I had written in a dazed delirium only a few days before. Opening the door to Black Lightning, I got in, placing Cas’ leather jacket next to me and all of his belongings in the backseat and putting a small pack of cigarettes on top of his leather jacket in the passenger seat. 

I drove Black Lightning into the middle of a field somewhere in Kansas and I got out. Grabbing the gasoline tank from under the seat, I poured it all over everything he owned, including all over the seats of the car. I even poured it on the hood and sides of the car, stepping back. I clutched a piece of paper in the palm of my small, sweaty hands. I unfolded it gently and looked at the top. 

“Dear Cas,” I began to read as I pulled a small package of matches from my back pocket. 

I continued reading as I lit one up, holding it in my hand before tossing it in the inside of Black Lightning and lighting a few more and tossing them into the car. It erupted with fire, the flames flickering and watching as it combusted, Cas having his last dance in the flames. Cas always loved his cigarettes and it was only proper that he should die as a cigarette should, dying with the last bit of a flame. 

Holding a cigarette up to my mouth, I finally took a drag, blowing it out gently. 

 

Castiel’s final breath.


	15. artwork

A special thanks to my artist, @ang_the_adverse. I really appreciate it. 

Plus a very special thanks to my beta readers, 

@the.devil.wears.winchesters (Carter) on instagram

@wingsandhunters (Trin) on instagram and wattpad

@koinophobic on instagram


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